May 5, 2009
May 3, 2009
It's my life, by me this time. My pesticide, slow to kill your dreams.
I don't know what it was. Something got me thinking about a book that I read in V's class once. I don't remember what it was called, or really what it was even about. I just remember that the main character explained that he used to be married, and had a daughter. The marriage was falling apart, but both of them held on because of their daughter. When the girl's 6th birthday rolled around, he wanted to throw her the greatest birthday ever, and she went around at school telling everyone about how her birthday is going to be the best. She invited all of them to the party. And the man, bought her a kitten because she said that she always wanted a cat. So the day of her birthday, the man woke up and got the kitten to surprise his daughter when she woke up. He went into her room and shook her, but she didn't wake up. She had died in the middle of the night of a brain aneurysm. I remember that the man described feeling sad, but was not very sad because it was instant. There was no pain. She was asleep, dreaming of the best birthday she would ever have, and then her life simply drifted off.
I don't remember what happened to that kitten. And needless to say, the marriage fell apart. Nothing else of that book comes back to me, though. I do recall that the book in itself was not a very sad book, just that part of it.
Listen, love. I did have fun with you today. We worked outside, and made lunch together, and then we got to just sleep over here. I really did have fun. And I'm sorry I wasn't the happiest. It was mostly my fault. There was something that I really wanted to do, but I didn't want to have to ask for it. And then time kept slipping by, and soon enough there wasn't any left at all, and I guess I was just upset that I couldn't just ask you for it, or that you didn't just get the hint yourself. I just figured that you'd want to, I mean, you were upset yesterday because you said you had a sexy girlfriend that you "can't do anything with."
I hate being upset with you. It makes me feel terrible, and I can't imagine how it makes you feel. And it feels like I just keep getting mad at you all of the time lately, and I'm sorry. I'm not. I really love you a lot, and you know that. Everything is just so different from last year and I don't like it.
I'm really sorry. Pinky-swears that we won't be so angry anymore?
I don't remember what happened to that kitten. And needless to say, the marriage fell apart. Nothing else of that book comes back to me, though. I do recall that the book in itself was not a very sad book, just that part of it.
Listen, love. I did have fun with you today. We worked outside, and made lunch together, and then we got to just sleep over here. I really did have fun. And I'm sorry I wasn't the happiest. It was mostly my fault. There was something that I really wanted to do, but I didn't want to have to ask for it. And then time kept slipping by, and soon enough there wasn't any left at all, and I guess I was just upset that I couldn't just ask you for it, or that you didn't just get the hint yourself. I just figured that you'd want to, I mean, you were upset yesterday because you said you had a sexy girlfriend that you "can't do anything with."
I hate being upset with you. It makes me feel terrible, and I can't imagine how it makes you feel. And it feels like I just keep getting mad at you all of the time lately, and I'm sorry. I'm not. I really love you a lot, and you know that. Everything is just so different from last year and I don't like it.
I'm really sorry. Pinky-swears that we won't be so angry anymore?
May 2, 2009
I need the smell of summer, I need its noises in my ear
Apparently I left my iPod on. I went to go get it to try and remember the words that I wanted to use for my title. The song that I needed had just started playing on my iPod when I put the earbuds in. I've noticed that I have some strange coordination with electronics. Usually it's just my phone.
For example, I will be about to pick up the phone and the person I would have called will either text or call me. Or, I will start a text and get one from the person. Or, I will call or text them just as they were about to. The weirdest one, is that EVERY time I go to Jil's house, her girlfriend calls no more than half an hour later.
I guess I just have a sixth sense about these things.
In other news, I'm thinking that I have a problem with cluttering. It's like stuttering, kind of. I've noticed that I have trouble saying the right words when I'm speaking. I often mix a word or two together or say something completely different than what I meant. And it's not limited to my speech anymore. It used to be just when I spoke, but in the last few weeks, I've noticed that I can't write cohesively anymore either. I tried to write a letter to Carl and I couldn't write while I was thinking, and when I wasn't thinking, I wouldn't write what I meant to say, and for most of the words, I kept spelling them wrong, repeatedly. I've been doing that while typing this too. There's much more to cluttering than just that, but I don't have those problems. I can comprehend language, reading or writing, I just can't communicate in return very well.
"Spoonerisms, malapropisms, and Freudian slips are examples of cluttering. Stuttering as a common term often refers to the speech disorder of cluttering, rather than to the speech disorder of stuttering. Cluttered speech is exhibited by normal speakers, and is often referred to as stuttering--this is especially true when the speaker is nervous, where nervous speech more closely resembles cluttering than stuttering.
Cluttering is sometimes confused with stuttering. However, while stuttering is most often analyzed as a speech disorder, cluttering is a language disorder. In other words, a stutterer has a coherent pattern of thoughts, but can't say it; in contrast, a clutterer has no problem putting thoughts into words, but those thoughts become disorganized during speaking. Cluttering not only affects speech, but affects thought patterns, writing, typing, and conversation.
Stutterers are usually dysfluent on initial sounds, when beginning to speak, and become more fluent towards the ends of utterances. In contrast, clutterers are most clear at the start of utterances, but their speaking rate increases and intelligibility decreases towards the end of utterances.
Stuttering is characterized by struggle behavior, such as overtense speech production muscles. Cluttering, in contrast, is effortless.
Cluttering is also characterized by slurred speech, especially dropped or distorted /r/ and /l/ sounds; and monotone speech that starts loud and trails off into a murmur.
Clutterers often also have reading and writing disorders, especially sprawling, disorderly handwriting, which poorly integrate ideas and space."
"It feels like 1) about twenty thoughts explode on my mind all at once, and I need to express them all, 2) that when I'm trying to make a point, that I just remembered something that I was supposed to say, so the person can understand, and I need to interrupt myself to say something that I should have said before, and 3) that I need to constantly revise the sentences that I'm working on, to get it out right."
For example, I will be about to pick up the phone and the person I would have called will either text or call me. Or, I will start a text and get one from the person. Or, I will call or text them just as they were about to. The weirdest one, is that EVERY time I go to Jil's house, her girlfriend calls no more than half an hour later.
I guess I just have a sixth sense about these things.
In other news, I'm thinking that I have a problem with cluttering. It's like stuttering, kind of. I've noticed that I have trouble saying the right words when I'm speaking. I often mix a word or two together or say something completely different than what I meant. And it's not limited to my speech anymore. It used to be just when I spoke, but in the last few weeks, I've noticed that I can't write cohesively anymore either. I tried to write a letter to Carl and I couldn't write while I was thinking, and when I wasn't thinking, I wouldn't write what I meant to say, and for most of the words, I kept spelling them wrong, repeatedly. I've been doing that while typing this too. There's much more to cluttering than just that, but I don't have those problems. I can comprehend language, reading or writing, I just can't communicate in return very well.
"Spoonerisms, malapropisms, and Freudian slips are examples of cluttering. Stuttering as a common term often refers to the speech disorder of cluttering, rather than to the speech disorder of stuttering. Cluttered speech is exhibited by normal speakers, and is often referred to as stuttering--this is especially true when the speaker is nervous, where nervous speech more closely resembles cluttering than stuttering.
Cluttering is sometimes confused with stuttering. However, while stuttering is most often analyzed as a speech disorder, cluttering is a language disorder. In other words, a stutterer has a coherent pattern of thoughts, but can't say it; in contrast, a clutterer has no problem putting thoughts into words, but those thoughts become disorganized during speaking. Cluttering not only affects speech, but affects thought patterns, writing, typing, and conversation.
Stutterers are usually dysfluent on initial sounds, when beginning to speak, and become more fluent towards the ends of utterances. In contrast, clutterers are most clear at the start of utterances, but their speaking rate increases and intelligibility decreases towards the end of utterances.
Stuttering is characterized by struggle behavior, such as overtense speech production muscles. Cluttering, in contrast, is effortless.
Cluttering is also characterized by slurred speech, especially dropped or distorted /r/ and /l/ sounds; and monotone speech that starts loud and trails off into a murmur.
Clutterers often also have reading and writing disorders, especially sprawling, disorderly handwriting, which poorly integrate ideas and space."
"It feels like 1) about twenty thoughts explode on my mind all at once, and I need to express them all, 2) that when I'm trying to make a point, that I just remembered something that I was supposed to say, so the person can understand, and I need to interrupt myself to say something that I should have said before, and 3) that I need to constantly revise the sentences that I'm working on, to get it out right."
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