This is what I have to come home to. Every goddamn day of my life. I'm tired. I have nothing. I have you. Period. I'm taking classes next year that I'd rather not (as capable as I am) because I don't want you to leave me behind. It hurt the most when you said this was, "crazy clingy girlfriend stuff." You have no idea how afraid of that I am. I know you're not leaving. I know I'll see you in a few days, but I have to put up with a few days of this.
My basement is flooded. Who wants to bet that our insurance will cover that?
The mortgages are due. Who wants to bet that we can pay it?
We have no food. Who wants to bet that we're going to get more soon?
There are so many things that I want. That I need. And I'm afraid to even ask because I know that he'll say yes. No matter what.
That's the reason my mom left him. That's the reason people take advantage of him. That's the reason we are in this deficit shit hole.
I called my mom in tears. Something I haven't done in... years. Because I'm so fucking tired of everything here. Of hearing about all the things we lack, and will lose. I'm leaving, for now.
Fuck if any of you really care.
Mar 9, 2009
Mar 6, 2009
Every line is about who I don't want to write about anymore
There have been some truths that I have been swallowing for years. They came out today. There's just something about her that makes me want to be brutally honest.
And you, and you, and you, and YOU. All of you! I can't stand you anymore. Am I really your friend or do you just pretend to be? I swear to god I don't know what's up anymore, not that anyone in the world would tell me of all people. I know, because I'm so judgmental and all. I know I'm not online that much, but I see you in school. Have you ever made a motion? (In this notion of an ocean of lotion?) At this point, I could care less if I ever talk to any of you again, because apparently I'm that important to you.
See, this wouldn't be as much of a problem, if I was making enough new friends to be worth it.
I'm tired. Of everything. And I gave my boy the day off.
:/
And you, and you, and you, and YOU. All of you! I can't stand you anymore. Am I really your friend or do you just pretend to be? I swear to god I don't know what's up anymore, not that anyone in the world would tell me of all people. I know, because I'm so judgmental and all. I know I'm not online that much, but I see you in school. Have you ever made a motion? (In this notion of an ocean of lotion?) At this point, I could care less if I ever talk to any of you again, because apparently I'm that important to you.
See, this wouldn't be as much of a problem, if I was making enough new friends to be worth it.
I'm tired. Of everything. And I gave my boy the day off.
:/
Mar 2, 2009
This is war.
Friday! We went to the movies! :) Carl thought that I had money, but I didn't actually, nor did I say anything like it, but that's okay, because my sister lent us money. She even bought the tickets for us. We saw Slumdog Millionaire :D I can see why it won awards. Plus, the entire Paper Planes song was in it, which made it that much better. Anyway, we were going to see Street Fighter also, but we went back to my house instead because it was already getting late. When he left however, I was feeling very lonely and had a break down of sorts. It's alright now, but not being able to see him much takes its toll.
Anyhow, I hung out with Katie and Chelsea (and Liz for a brief spell) on Saturday to keep me occupied and not lonely, and also because all of my uncle's kids were over and I would probably have killed myself. We went up to the dollar store to buy stuff to send to Katie's long distance boy. Then we went to Wendy's because we were hungry and we met Liz there and then Chelsea's mom picked us all up and took us back to Katie's, sans Chelsea of course (she had to accompany her dog to the vet for some unknown reason). Then Liz left for Dom's and Katie and I called up Jon.
We couldn't think of anywhere to go, so Jon drove us to Barnes and Noble and we hung out there for a good while, until we saw Jon's dad there. Then we didn't know where to go from there, so I decided we'd flip a coin to see what direction we would go in. Which is fun, especially when you're with Jon who makes really wide and tight turns, and goes about 20 over the speed limit on purpose. We ended up in a lot of weird neighborhoods and that was entertaining for about half an hour or so, but then Jon had to go home.
So he dropped us off at my house, and we didn't want to spend the night there, so we walked back to Katie's house and then Liz came and went in about two seconds and that was it.
On Sunday, I walked back to my house, did morning things, and then saw Carl some more! And then my sisters showed up and walked in my room at a really awkward moment because I was getting a back massage and so I had no shirt or bra on, and I was also doing laundry so I was wearing really short shorts. But because my sisters were there, that meant my mother was also there! Then she got mad because my dad wasn't home, and then she said lots of rules and stuff, and then she left. I followed those rules for about an hour, maybe less, and then I just did whatever. I wasn't supposed to be in my room with Carl just because my little sister was home, which makes no sense at all. Anyway, I still had fun.
That was my weekend, give or take. That was also really short and rushed because I don't care right now and I'm not sure why I'm still typ
Anyhow, I hung out with Katie and Chelsea (and Liz for a brief spell) on Saturday to keep me occupied and not lonely, and also because all of my uncle's kids were over and I would probably have killed myself. We went up to the dollar store to buy stuff to send to Katie's long distance boy. Then we went to Wendy's because we were hungry and we met Liz there and then Chelsea's mom picked us all up and took us back to Katie's, sans Chelsea of course (she had to accompany her dog to the vet for some unknown reason). Then Liz left for Dom's and Katie and I called up Jon.
We couldn't think of anywhere to go, so Jon drove us to Barnes and Noble and we hung out there for a good while, until we saw Jon's dad there. Then we didn't know where to go from there, so I decided we'd flip a coin to see what direction we would go in. Which is fun, especially when you're with Jon who makes really wide and tight turns, and goes about 20 over the speed limit on purpose. We ended up in a lot of weird neighborhoods and that was entertaining for about half an hour or so, but then Jon had to go home.
So he dropped us off at my house, and we didn't want to spend the night there, so we walked back to Katie's house and then Liz came and went in about two seconds and that was it.
On Sunday, I walked back to my house, did morning things, and then saw Carl some more! And then my sisters showed up and walked in my room at a really awkward moment because I was getting a back massage and so I had no shirt or bra on, and I was also doing laundry so I was wearing really short shorts. But because my sisters were there, that meant my mother was also there! Then she got mad because my dad wasn't home, and then she said lots of rules and stuff, and then she left. I followed those rules for about an hour, maybe less, and then I just did whatever. I wasn't supposed to be in my room with Carl just because my little sister was home, which makes no sense at all. Anyway, I still had fun.
That was my weekend, give or take. That was also really short and rushed because I don't care right now and I'm not sure why I'm still typ
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