im not sure this is what i want
i know it is
i am sure it is
but is it what i need
no
there is no doubt
i need this
i want this
i cant live without this
or can i
the world seems so confusing
your the only thing thats right
they tell me it gets better
the pain
or lackthereof
but the words have more meaning
coming from your mouth
they seem...
sweeter
sickly sweet
there is no such thing as too much
but i cant have anymore
its making me sick
this poison i call you
this poison i call love
this poison makes me feel
this poison makes me numb
i want more
i cant get enough
am i dying
i dont think so
but the pain is incredible
i cant feel myself anymore
but do i want to
isnt this numbing...
what i wanted to get away from
no
its inevitable
life is one giant anesthetic
the people in it
little razor blades
they cut you open
you dont notice
you dont feel it
your bleeding everywhere
but you cant feel it
is it too late
yes
they cant stitch you up
they cant make you better
do you want to get better
no
do you need to
no
this is what you want
this is what you need
you know it now
you cant live now
but you can
you will
somehow
you try
all you ever did was
try
all you ever do is
try
cant they see that
trying
is all you have left
cant they see that
lying
is all you have left
cant they see that
dying
is all you have left
and you are leaving
you have left
Nov 13, 2007
Nov 9, 2007
Let's burn these buildings down, straight into the ground, with our dirty looks and glances
You said you wanted me to talk more about my feelings, but what is there to say?
I'm not the kind of person who expresses their feelings easily, but you know that i'm open with you.
and if you wanted to know about how im feeling, remember that all you really have to do is ask. I just dont know why you would think that i would avoid it like that and i dont understand why your so surprised that it would be this easy.
I'm not the kind of person who expresses their feelings easily, but you know that i'm open with you.
and if you wanted to know about how im feeling, remember that all you really have to do is ask. I just dont know why you would think that i would avoid it like that and i dont understand why your so surprised that it would be this easy.
Nov 7, 2007
18 minutes is much too generous for a girl with a crippled smile
I just want to fucking punch my mom in the face.
I was arguing with her about why I argue with her (which sounds stupid but she's just so fucking dumb and just doesnt get it)
she was saying that i just like to get the last word and that i just like to argue, which any of you know is not true, and i was trying to tell her that i argue with her because shes always wrong and im right and she wont accept it. I kept telling her that if I was going to push all these lies onto her that she would argue with me, and that's exactly why i do it. BECAUSE SHE"S SO FUCKING DUMB and always wrong.
She kept telling me that i dont always need to argue, even if she is wrong, and i kept telling her that its not possible because it pisses me off. And then she was like well maybe you just need to calm down some.
So i told her that she would probably rather have me let it out by arguing rather than keep it pent up inside until i have to let it out some other way.
and then, this is what drove me over the edge:
she looks at me with the biggest smirk on her face. Her smug little fucking face and she says."Like cutting yourself?"
then she just keeps smiling at me.
i just about lost it. she always has to throw that into it. like i dont feel bad about cutting myself and it makes me angry that she doesnt have any faith in my control over myself.
so i told her to wipe that smug look off of her face and then i got up and went down stairs and just bawled my eyes out on my bed because i was so mad.
but that was like on tuesday. I still want to tear her head off but im more calm now.
and today carl came over. but of course my dad had to fuck around forever when he picked us up. Oh we have to go to the bank and then burger king and then drop julie and linders off and while we're home let me drop this and this and this off and pick up this and do this and so when i was supposed to be at carls at 6:30 i didnt get there until about 10 to 7. and i was just so frustrated. im always so frustrated and dissappointed in my dad and myself and i just started crying. and then carl was all worried, but by the time we were out of the car and i could actually say something, i was just laughing, because thats what i do when i, or someone else is sad. I know its fucked up.
so we went straight into my bedroom and of course my dad is like "andrea no making out and stuff" which of course is the first thing we did. which is funny cuz my dad is always worried about the things that i do with him, but he never ever checks in on me or tells me that we arent allowed in my room or anything. so its pretty pointless just to say no. because of course thats the first thing that we are gonna do.
anyways, some time elapsed and i changed into my whore pants and then we had some fun. and then before we had to leave i took my bra off inside my shirt. and then i stole his hoodie and took my shirt off and then put the hoodie on. and then we took him home and actually got him home on time for once.
so here i am writing this at quarter after 10 wearing just a hoodie and some underpants, debating on whether or not im gonna go to school tomorrow.
but i had an epiphane earlier this week
if im going to fuck carl, which really isnt so much of an "if", more like a "when", i cant really do it at my house, or his, and there really isnt anywhere else for us to go, so i figure, that we would skip school, and then get a ride from someone (because as you know my mom said that as long as i have a ride to go places, its okay to skip school) then we could come back here and do it.
and i told this to carl, and apparantly joe owes him for something, so he could give us a ride, so i am realizing that this is whole plan is actually possible.
but who knows how this shall all turn out.
and you know what?
i really love carl. way more than words could say.
I was arguing with her about why I argue with her (which sounds stupid but she's just so fucking dumb and just doesnt get it)
she was saying that i just like to get the last word and that i just like to argue, which any of you know is not true, and i was trying to tell her that i argue with her because shes always wrong and im right and she wont accept it. I kept telling her that if I was going to push all these lies onto her that she would argue with me, and that's exactly why i do it. BECAUSE SHE"S SO FUCKING DUMB and always wrong.
She kept telling me that i dont always need to argue, even if she is wrong, and i kept telling her that its not possible because it pisses me off. And then she was like well maybe you just need to calm down some.
So i told her that she would probably rather have me let it out by arguing rather than keep it pent up inside until i have to let it out some other way.
and then, this is what drove me over the edge:
she looks at me with the biggest smirk on her face. Her smug little fucking face and she says."Like cutting yourself?"
then she just keeps smiling at me.
i just about lost it. she always has to throw that into it. like i dont feel bad about cutting myself and it makes me angry that she doesnt have any faith in my control over myself.
so i told her to wipe that smug look off of her face and then i got up and went down stairs and just bawled my eyes out on my bed because i was so mad.
but that was like on tuesday. I still want to tear her head off but im more calm now.
and today carl came over. but of course my dad had to fuck around forever when he picked us up. Oh we have to go to the bank and then burger king and then drop julie and linders off and while we're home let me drop this and this and this off and pick up this and do this and so when i was supposed to be at carls at 6:30 i didnt get there until about 10 to 7. and i was just so frustrated. im always so frustrated and dissappointed in my dad and myself and i just started crying. and then carl was all worried, but by the time we were out of the car and i could actually say something, i was just laughing, because thats what i do when i, or someone else is sad. I know its fucked up.
so we went straight into my bedroom and of course my dad is like "andrea no making out and stuff" which of course is the first thing we did. which is funny cuz my dad is always worried about the things that i do with him, but he never ever checks in on me or tells me that we arent allowed in my room or anything. so its pretty pointless just to say no. because of course thats the first thing that we are gonna do.
anyways, some time elapsed and i changed into my whore pants and then we had some fun. and then before we had to leave i took my bra off inside my shirt. and then i stole his hoodie and took my shirt off and then put the hoodie on. and then we took him home and actually got him home on time for once.
so here i am writing this at quarter after 10 wearing just a hoodie and some underpants, debating on whether or not im gonna go to school tomorrow.
but i had an epiphane earlier this week
if im going to fuck carl, which really isnt so much of an "if", more like a "when", i cant really do it at my house, or his, and there really isnt anywhere else for us to go, so i figure, that we would skip school, and then get a ride from someone (because as you know my mom said that as long as i have a ride to go places, its okay to skip school) then we could come back here and do it.
and i told this to carl, and apparantly joe owes him for something, so he could give us a ride, so i am realizing that this is whole plan is actually possible.
but who knows how this shall all turn out.
and you know what?
i really love carl. way more than words could say.
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