It's time to begin, isn't it?

I've been busier in this past week and a half than I've been for the last 6 months. There are so many beautiful things about this town, and all of my friends and family, but I hate to say that a lot of it was seen through nostalgic, rose-colored lenses. There's a lot of not so wonderful things, too. I have so many conflicting feelings about life here. A lot of things that I don't even know how to feel about.

This vacation has been exhausting; I miss Florida, and my love. Both places feel like home and I don't know what to do. Livonia is dead, but it's all I've ever known. I don't know how to talk to my friends anymore. Sometimes I feel so lonely.

But I can't help the fact that everyone can see these scars

It rarely comes up in conversation. I can't tell if most people don't notice or if they're too afraid to ask about it. It's definitely awkward when I know that they're looking at them, but they don't say anything.
By no means am I ashamed or embarrassed by my scars. I'm very proud of them. I think they're beautiful for one thing. It's a record of my life; it shows how much I've grown and how much I've had to deal with. It shows that I survived.


However, today my friend Lisa asked me about them, and I lied. I lied because a lot of times when I meet people and we're becoming friends, I get the vibe that either they won't understand, or they'll think differently of me. That's definitely the problem with a lot of people I meet. That, and my drug use, stand out as the two things that really alienate me from the friends I've made.
Sometimes I think that it's me, and I'm underestimating them. Or that I'm caring too much about what they think. But other times, I think that maybe I'm choosing the wrong kind of people to be friends with. They always seem very sheltered compared to the friends I have in Michigan.
I've lived through a lot, I've dealt with a lot, and I know how to handle a lot, and it seems like I can't find anyone else like that around here. Or if they are, they're the kind of senseless idiots that I try to distance myself from.

I really want someone that I can be truly honest with. I've been trying to be more open to the people I know, because I've really started to see how I can be a better friend, but it seems I can't find the right person to be honest with, and it really sucks. I have friends, but it's a hollow kind of friendship. A, "'How are you?' 'I'm doing okay,' 'That's good, see you later,'" kind of friendship.

For now, I suppose I have this. And my dream journal of course, from my dearest friends Ashley and Natalie.

The sky above us shoots to kill

I'm depressed, and I can really feel it.

I think that I've been medicating my depression by seeing Carl, and I think too that seeing him so much is leading me to lash out at him. He can tell, and I can tell, that I've been getting into weird moods around him. I try my best to just step out of it, but I don't know, it creeps back. And I'm really worried because I want so much to make him happy and show him how much I love him, but I know that recently I haven't been. I don't want to drive him away, but I'm afraid I will.

And at the same time that I think I'm seeing him too much, I just want to be around him more. When he leaves, I sink. I feel empty and still when he's gone. I want to go home to see his face everyday and hold him close every night, and knowing how close, yet far away he is just kills me.






I just want things to be simple, for once.

Not that anyone who actually cares about this issue will ever see this post, but I really don't find anything wrong about what Sydney said. It was her opinion, she clearly has her own idea about Rachel's character, and she's absolutely right that just having cancer doesn't make someone a hero or special in anyway. A lot of people get cancer and it's very unfortunate, and she even addressed that at the end. She's not bashing everyone who's ever been ill, she's merely saying that this one girl, irrelevant of her cancer, may not be very nice.

Everyone dies eventually. Some quicker than others. Rachel may not have long left, and I applaud her for taking advantage of the situation, and at the very least being honest about how she feels towards everyone. I also applaud Sydney for being honest right back. We go through life with all of our relationships hinging on niceties and false compliments when we would all benefit much more on honest communication.

With that said, I think everyone else in this situation should be ashamed for even involving themselves where they don't belong. This was a matter between Sydney and Rachel, and it's not for anyone else to sort out. If anything, they should learn a lesson from all of this and try to look at things from a different perspective.



Here's the link to Sydney's offending post for anyone who still doesn't know:
http://spblogpost.tumblr.com/

So a quick update:
Minx and Othello have been adopted, which is fantastic and a little sad, because they will always be my bunnies but they can't stay in a shelter forever while I try and get my life together. Now I don't have to worry about them, and if I want to adopt a new bunny down here in Florida I can do it guilt-free.

Jasmine has a new home and she loves it there and they love her just as much as we did. I miss my big puppy a whole lot, but again I'm happy because she is in a good place, probably being taken care of better than we ever did.

The only problem now is that I only have Finn left to fill that space in my heart for fluffy animals, and he is not a very cuddly thing. He's very cute, but very grumpy and it's hard to cuddle and pet and play with a spiky hedgehog. So I very desperately want a new pet. I wanted to go with my mom and pick out a new little dog that we could take to my grandma's house when they eventually move in. My mom said she'd wait until I came back for the summer so we could all go and pick out a dog. Although probably that won't be true and she and Gary will go one day and look and find one that they want.

So that's the animal situation. When Carl and I got back from Michigan I still had a week before school started and since I don't want to keep going with the awful Phonathon job, I was going to look for a new job. However, in the mail the next day I got a card from Centerplate asking me if I wanted to work at Tropicana again for the Rays, which of course is yes. I put in a few applications to other places around my house too just in case, but it will be really cool to work for the stadium again. I'm a little more flexible this semester to work the games, but I'm worried about the spring training games which are during the day, and also during my classes. We'll see how it turns out I suppose, but I really hope it works out because I got a lot of money from just one night last season. Basically as much as I'm making in one week at the Phonathon in one night.

Speaking of money from jobs... although I set it up three weeks before the fall semester even ended, my paychecks still weren't being mailed straight to my house, which I had expected them to. I wanted them to be waiting for me when I got back from Michigan so I wouldn't live through the week before school started again on $40. Alas, that's not how my life works out. However, in some surprise good news, the direct deposit that I also set up has started working so I have at least one paycheck, and I can survive until I get to school to get the rest.

Also at school I have to figure out what happened to my money from selling back my textbooks! It mysteriously is not in my account or in my financial aid record.


There's some more things too but I forgot what I wanted to say and let it be known that it is mostly along the lines of Carl and I needing to find an apartment.

See the world hanging upside down

So the first semester of college is nearly over. I just have some finals left, and I'm excited to go home. I'm excited to have Carl over for the week too. I'm excited to not drive an hour to school everyday. There's a lot of things I'm happy about but mostly I just need a month long break to get over all of this school stress!

Also, I'm getting really tired of my uncle and Matt. I want my dad's house back. Or rather, I want my own place.

I'm still undecided on transferring to USF. Right now I'm still leaning more towards staying at UT and just having an apartment off campus. Then I can still share with Carl, but I can keep going to my school, because I really do like it here. USF has its own perks, but I'm happy where I am for now.

I have much more to say, but I need to run an errand right now. Maybe I'll be back, or maybe I'll just update once I'm in Michigan. Whatever!

Still swimming alone in the lake

These past two days have been full of college lessons. This is serious business now, unlike high school and I can't be messing around.

First, I ate 5 of those cookies we made (the five that Carl left for me) and quickly became so high I couldn't do anything. Scary high. The high everyone talks about when you eat to many pot-whatevers and you can't even handle yourself. And it stayed that way for the entire night, and I couldn't finish my online homework. Which isn't so terrible except that I did that last time too. I got so distracted that I didn't finish it in time. So now that's two assignments in a row that I've missed, so it's good that I like chemistry and I understand what's going on.

Second, I procrastinated on an essay that I only had a few days to write up in the first place, and didn't start writing it until late the day before (today) and so now it remains unfinished. Luckily it's only a draft, and this draft doesn't even need to be turned in (that's two days from now). But I really need to sleep tonight because I have two midterms tomorrow, plus that writing class where I have to present with my group our project and then stress about not finishing that paper. I'm freaking out already and if it wasn't for the fact that I have super As in both Chem and FYW then I would probably have killed myself.

School is very serious when you are paying for it yourself. And speaking of which, I need a job! Hopefully that call center job happens and they overlook my faults on the voice-mail interview since I haven't really had a job before.

Anyway, good night! I'm not helping myself. I have to get up early and technically this means I'm still procrastinating on that essay by writing this blog post, but I can't help myself.

Where you been?

I'm excited to go to the concert tomorrow. I used to be a big fan of Gym Class Heroes, I don't think I know any of the songs by heart anymore though. I haven't listened to one of their albums in years. I wonder if they're still the same band, you know? I don't really know anything about the Dirty Heads either. I know one song, but really only the chorus, and in fact I didn't even know that band that sang it. Anyway, I am looking forward to it because I haven't been to a concert in two years now, I think, and it's the experience of it that I really want. Even if I don't know the bands, I'm just happy to go and dance, and hopefully hear some great music. However, I am kind of bummed because Carl's "dragging" me to this one, but I really wanted to go to a Das Racist concert last Thursday and didn't because I knew he didn't really know or like them. I guess it's different though since he's paying for the tickets, and I wouldn't make him pay for a concert he didn't want to see.

And speaking of paying for everything, he really needs to stop that. I really appreciate going out and doing all of this stuff, but he needs that money too and he's blowing it all on me. And it puts me in a weird place too because I want to reciprocate and can't, and now when I get a job instead of saving for college or food or for rent or whatever, I have to worry about paying him back. Or at least I do worry because I can't tell if he's serious about me being in debt to him or if it really is just an "I love you" thing.


So many things I worry about, and I'm so tired, and I miss Michigan and my family and my friends.
I have a lot of Bio Lab homework to start and finish though, and I have to get up very early tomorrow, so I can't write more.
Good night, whoever, myself.

You know Carl, you're really a dick sometimes. You mention taking me to a party, and then go without me anyway. You don't even tell me that you're going out for a party. And then after I confront you and I get upset, you get upset back. You try to make it seem like I'm the bad guy for getting mad at you for something that I should get mad at you about. It seems like you're not ever thinking of me, unless you're feeling upset because you had a hard day. You're obviously not thinking of me when you're out having a good time. You're not really thinking at all. I don't care if you didn't have a set party that you were going to. You went out with your friends in search of a party. You planned to party that night, without me. And that's great and all that you want to spend time with your new friends, but leaving your girlfriend behind is not the way to do that. You could have at least called me or something. This is like when you went to the movies with Steven Stark and didn't invite me or even tell me about it until afterwards. The reason I'm so upset about it is that you keep thinking for me. You tell yourself you are doing it for my interests. "Because you would have felt awkward." "Because you didn't need to be dragged into it."
Look, I know we're past the movie thing, and I'm not trying to sound like such a bitch, but could you try to see it from my point of view for once? I really wouldn't even have minded so much if you had just told me about it. It's more infuriating to find out that you weren't thinking of me at all then if you had just called me up to talk about it. You could have called me up and said, "Hey, me and some guys from my hall are going out and looking for a party tonight. I'm sorry but you won't be able to come with us. I'll bring you along next time."
 And as mad as I am that you didn't think about me when you went out, I'm even more angry that you made stupid decisions while you were there. You got drunk. Drunk enough to still be drunk the next morning, and drunk enough to have a hangover the rest of the day. He, who told me himself that he never "really gets drunk. I just get buzzed." I'm really disappointed, and I'm disappointed and upset because you told me you were coming to see me today. We only have the weekends to be together and you fucked it up because you wanted to party more than you wanted to be with me. And don't say that's not true because you would have put some more thought into what you were doing. And you wouldn't have called me up hours before you were even supposed to come over to tell me that you were too hungover to drive. You've got all fucking night to come over and you call me up at 2 pm to tell me that you can't make it? You're really lucky that tomorrow is Labor Day, and you can try and make it up to me.
I'm not trying to sound selfish, but I MOVED TO FLORIDA FOR YOU. I LEFT ALL THE THINGS I CARED ABOUT AND ALL OF MY FRIENDS SO THAT I COULD BE WITH YOU. And you, who says that I'm the best girlfriend ever and that you love me and miss me so much, can't make time for me for one day because you got drunk at a party, that you didn't even invite me to go with you to.


And don't even call me up later and get pissed about this because you're the one who fucked up here, and I'm not going to be sorry for being hurt by you over this.

On an island in the sun

So, we're here! I know there was a big jump between the last post and this, but the fact is, who wants to blog anymore? I certainly don't care that much. But here's a recap anyway:

I got a car, packed up my stuff, and set out with my mom and step dad for Florida, where I moved in with my uncle Jeff and cousin Matt. Carl also came to Florida, but he moved into a dorm at the University of South Florida. After a few days my mom and step dad left, and Carl's parents left, and now we've been enjoying the sunshine. I've had to give up my rabbits and my friends, and I've shed some tears along the way, but being here is really great. Just being able to be alone with Carl has been stress relieving. Not to mention all of the things there are to do around here! I'm mostly worried about spending all of my money on silly things since I need it for college. Classes haven't started yet, and Orientation is next week, so I have a lot of college stuff to do yet. Hopefully I will be getting my laptop before class starts. Also, I need to make some friends for sure, and get a job.

Time keeps on spinning spinning spinning, into the future

Just a few things.

I passed my road test! So I just have to go to SOS and get my license, which will be enhanced because I want to go to Canada with my pals sometime. Also, it should come just in time to get on the plane for spring break! License = beautiful thing. Now I can actually prove that I'm 18, which is more exciting to me than pretty much anything else.

Also, I have to finish my Balrog art piece by Monday, so I foresee the next few nights being long. I also have to finish my necklace, but that will be easy peasy.

Not to mention my other homeworks, but those are all relatively simple. Some chemistry work from the book, and then I think just studying for the Astronomy test.

I got my $50 check from Global Test Market for doing surveys, which now that I'm 18, I get a lot more of = I get more points = I get more money. However, half of that will be used to open a bank account, and the other half I have to spend on my enhanced license. But the Balrog is a commission piece for Doug, so I should be paid for that also, at least $40.
The rest of the money that I have (ca. $100), I'm using to take fit classes at the Rec so I can get back in shape because I am so tired of and grossed out by my lack of fitness.

I still need to fit in Carl's birthday present somewhere in there, but I will manage. Either way, by the end of the month I will have $0 basically. I mean, I'll still have some money in that bank account, but, you know. Having some in there is better than none.


Next up: A job and a car :/
But also, GRADUATION.

Ronda is a stupid fucking free-loading cunt who needs to get out of my life and soon.

See the hope, see it unravel

I'm so tired of my life right now.
Pressure for general school work, AP Chem that's worse than a bitch and starting to look like the worst idea I've ever had. Pressure for college and getting my life planned out when I really don't know what I want. Coming home every day to that stupid drunk cunt and a father who's dumping all of his responsibility of it on me. When he had to go to Julie's stupid community service parent class, he would tout about how they would say to make time for your kids and spend family time together at least once a week, but we already did that because we're such a great family, etc. I haven't done anything with him in 5 weeks. I've hardly even seen him since then to be perfectly honest, since he spends all of his time either working or at Judy's house now. He's busy fucking his new girlfriend and getting involved in her goddamn problems that he just abandoned the other problem/ girlfriend he has here. And on top of that, just to rub it all in, when I do by chance see him he likes to tell me that he's sorry that he's gone all of the time and that he'll spend more time at home and that Ronda will leave and all of that other bullshit I've been hearing for most of my life now.
I want so badly to be out of here, but where can I go? I don't even know what I'm doing for college because of Carl's fucked up family dynamic as well. It's really starting to look like nothing will ever turn out well for either one of us.

And aside from all of that, when I really feel like putting it behind me and letting it go, I don't have anyone to be with. I've tried really hard to be a good friend and get things back together. I can't say I've had a good relationship with anyone other than Carl in the last few years, so I've been working on it. Making plans for whenever I can and talking to them all the time and then I'm eternally frustrated that I get to hear about how they're off doing all of these other fun things and didn't even bother to think of inviting me. Maybe I'm a bit jealous but for all of the time that everyone talks about how we should do things together more often, they sure don't act like it. And again, I know I can't be the center of everyone's lives, but maybe a little bit of attention now and then other than in school when I happen to run into them. To be perfectly honest, I think my closest friend, other than Carl, is Susan. I might even be so bold as to say Dutch too.

I'm just so tired of being ditched and forgotten. No one ever gives me the time of day.
Why isn't there someone or something in the world who can give me at least a little hope that the world will be an alright place? Because sometimes I still really feel like killing myself. Not that anyone would ever really notice.

I want to go away, very far away, from fucking all of this.
It will never get better. I know that. I've known that for a long time now.

No one ever fucking listens to me!

This is the first day in a long time where i can say i just feel like bleeding.

Failure, he said, times two breeds contempt

Merry fucking Christmas from my dysfunctional little corner of life.
What a family we turned out to be.

At the end of the night, we'd all seen better days

I miss you. I won't see you until maybe Sunday, though, probably not even then. I feel like there was something weird between us today. You didn't seem yourself. You didn't seem like you wanted to be around me as much today. You also never call me. It seems like you've disregarded all that stuff I told you about that was making me unhappy. I think we need to have another one of those talks again :/

I just go my way

I stepped on a needle last night. I don't think I've hurt that much in a long time. It had me crying like a baby on the floor. But screaming curses at the same time. Like, a sailor baby or something. I don't know. It doesn't even hurt anymore because the hole was, you know, the size of a needle, but I have it wrapped up anyway because it's hard to keep band-aids on the bottom of your foot.

Also, I took a day off from school because I'm exhausted. Physically and mentally. And it sucks because I had a test today and I wanted to ask Liz some uestions about the review because I don't understand any of it. I thought I did, but I guess that's what happens when you don't do your homework. And I really should have. I also should have given some cans in that class and brought my grade up a little. I think I'm at a c-, and after this test, I don't think it's going up any.


And I'm still very frustrated that I can't fit into some of my pants. I just need to step things up another notch I guess.

P.S. I love you and I miss you and I'm sorry I let myself go so much :/
Not that you'll probably even read this, but I should say it anyway.

I'm coming up only to show you wrong.

I'm never going to write about Isle Royale. I guess those memories are staying locked up in my head.

So, it's 3:30 a.m. and I find late at night like this is the only time I ever feel like doing anything.
I wish I would write more, but I feel silly writing about things.
All of this stuff is so irrelevant and no one reads it, but it's not even personal either.
I miss so many things.
Nothing is as simple as I always thought it would be.
I feel winter blues coming on, so, don't forget about me okay?

I'm sorry it's taking me so long to write about the Isle Royale trip.

I swear, it's coming soon. I just haven't felt like writing it just yet.