It's time to begin, isn't it?

I've been busier in this past week and a half than I've been for the last 6 months. There are so many beautiful things about this town, and all of my friends and family, but I hate to say that a lot of it was seen through nostalgic, rose-colored lenses. There's a lot of not so wonderful things, too. I have so many conflicting feelings about life here. A lot of things that I don't even know how to feel about.

This vacation has been exhausting; I miss Florida, and my love. Both places feel like home and I don't know what to do. Livonia is dead, but it's all I've ever known. I don't know how to talk to my friends anymore. Sometimes I feel so lonely.

But I can't help the fact that everyone can see these scars

It rarely comes up in conversation. I can't tell if most people don't notice or if they're too afraid to ask about it. It's definitely awkward when I know that they're looking at them, but they don't say anything.
By no means am I ashamed or embarrassed by my scars. I'm very proud of them. I think they're beautiful for one thing. It's a record of my life; it shows how much I've grown and how much I've had to deal with. It shows that I survived.


However, today my friend Lisa asked me about them, and I lied. I lied because a lot of times when I meet people and we're becoming friends, I get the vibe that either they won't understand, or they'll think differently of me. That's definitely the problem with a lot of people I meet. That, and my drug use, stand out as the two things that really alienate me from the friends I've made.
Sometimes I think that it's me, and I'm underestimating them. Or that I'm caring too much about what they think. But other times, I think that maybe I'm choosing the wrong kind of people to be friends with. They always seem very sheltered compared to the friends I have in Michigan.
I've lived through a lot, I've dealt with a lot, and I know how to handle a lot, and it seems like I can't find anyone else like that around here. Or if they are, they're the kind of senseless idiots that I try to distance myself from.

I really want someone that I can be truly honest with. I've been trying to be more open to the people I know, because I've really started to see how I can be a better friend, but it seems I can't find the right person to be honest with, and it really sucks. I have friends, but it's a hollow kind of friendship. A, "'How are you?' 'I'm doing okay,' 'That's good, see you later,'" kind of friendship.

For now, I suppose I have this. And my dream journal of course, from my dearest friends Ashley and Natalie.

The sky above us shoots to kill

I'm depressed, and I can really feel it.

I think that I've been medicating my depression by seeing Carl, and I think too that seeing him so much is leading me to lash out at him. He can tell, and I can tell, that I've been getting into weird moods around him. I try my best to just step out of it, but I don't know, it creeps back. And I'm really worried because I want so much to make him happy and show him how much I love him, but I know that recently I haven't been. I don't want to drive him away, but I'm afraid I will.

And at the same time that I think I'm seeing him too much, I just want to be around him more. When he leaves, I sink. I feel empty and still when he's gone. I want to go home to see his face everyday and hold him close every night, and knowing how close, yet far away he is just kills me.






I just want things to be simple, for once.