I'm so tired of my life right now.
Pressure for general school work, AP Chem that's worse than a bitch and starting to look like the worst idea I've ever had. Pressure for college and getting my life planned out when I really don't know what I want. Coming home every day to that stupid drunk cunt and a father who's dumping all of his responsibility of it on me. When he had to go to Julie's stupid community service parent class, he would tout about how they would say to make time for your kids and spend family time together at least once a week, but we already did that because we're such a great family, etc. I haven't done anything with him in 5 weeks. I've hardly even seen him since then to be perfectly honest, since he spends all of his time either working or at Judy's house now. He's busy fucking his new girlfriend and getting involved in her goddamn problems that he just abandoned the other problem/ girlfriend he has here. And on top of that, just to rub it all in, when I do by chance see him he likes to tell me that he's sorry that he's gone all of the time and that he'll spend more time at home and that Ronda will leave and all of that other bullshit I've been hearing for most of my life now.
I want so badly to be out of here, but where can I go? I don't even know what I'm doing for college because of Carl's fucked up family dynamic as well. It's really starting to look like nothing will ever turn out well for either one of us.
And aside from all of that, when I really feel like putting it behind me and letting it go, I don't have anyone to be with. I've tried really hard to be a good friend and get things back together. I can't say I've had a good relationship with anyone other than Carl in the last few years, so I've been working on it. Making plans for whenever I can and talking to them all the time and then I'm eternally frustrated that I get to hear about how they're off doing all of these other fun things and didn't even bother to think of inviting me. Maybe I'm a bit jealous but for all of the time that everyone talks about how we should do things together more often, they sure don't act like it. And again, I know I can't be the center of everyone's lives, but maybe a little bit of attention now and then other than in school when I happen to run into them. To be perfectly honest, I think my closest friend, other than Carl, is Susan. I might even be so bold as to say Dutch too.
I'm just so tired of being ditched and forgotten. No one ever gives me the time of day.
Why isn't there someone or something in the world who can give me at least a little hope that the world will be an alright place? Because sometimes I still really feel like killing myself. Not that anyone would ever really notice.
Jan 23, 2011
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)