So drop a heart and break a name. We're always sleeping in and sleeping for the wrong team.

I feel like a complete jerk about the locket thing. I know you said it's ok, even though it hurt your feelings a little bit, but sometimes I can't tell if you really mean it. It sounded like it hurt more than you said, but then you acted like you really were fine with it, and you're so confusing sometimes. I know I'm not wrong when I say that you don't tell me everything. You still keep yourself locked up in your heart and head sometimes. Not that I really want to know every detail about everything, I understand that everyone needs some thoughts to themselves, I just want you to be able to tell me what's bothering you, no matter what. That's why I want you to blog so much. You usually let go way more of yourself there than you do with me, and I talk to you everyday about this stuff.



And also, I feel like I nag you and ask too much of you all the time. I noticed today that most of what I was saying was just asking things of you, and I'm sorry. I always promised myself that I would never become someone who just expects all of these things. I promised that I would treat everything that you gave me, be it time, or money, or anything, like it was always the best thing that I've ever gotten. I don't want to take you for granted, and I feel like it's getting there.

I love you so much, and I'm not sure how I can always explain it to you, but I do. And I want you to be with me all the time. And if you can believe me, I really do love the locket that you bought me. Truly, I do. I love anything you give me, even if it is a hobo teddy bear that you got for a nickel. It'd be gross, but I would cherish it. Why do you think I kept your lego sculpture and stole your little clay bowl that you made when you were really little? I love everything you give me. The locket is just not what I had expected, love. But I swear to you that it's still one of the greatest gifts I've ever gotten. Far more thoughtful than anything else that anyone else has given me, I can tell you.

And the one last thing I want from you today is just to know that you're really absolutely 100% okay with it, and that you will be as honest as you can about this stuff whensoever it happens next.





And you know, you're the only person that gives me that ache in my chest and a lump in my throat when I cry over them. And I cry over lots of people, you know.

So you steal away, take him out today. Nice work you did. You're gonna go far, kid.

Today was good in spite of.

I promise you all. I will learn English, and it will be really good, and I will talk to you and not make any mistakes, and you will all be so proud. One of these days...


Gran Torino was really sad. I'm sorry you couldn't come with me. But we will watch it again sometime soon.

I promise I will do my homework. I will do that when I'm done with this post. I have French to do, and math, and history technically. All of it is fucking pointless.




Why do I feel like everything is slipping away?

So dance, fucker, dance. Man, he never had a chance. And no one even knew it was really only you.

My sister's fiance is leaving her. He wants her to move out of the house, and take the kids with her. Meghan, isn't his, but she's 8. She's old enough to understand, and I can only imagine the conseQuences this will have on her. She's already bouncing back and forth between her mom and dad. And Paige is only 2. God, she's gorgeous. I love that little girl way more than I ever did Meghan, and maybe that makes me a bad person to play favorites, but it's true. The worst part is, that little girl adores her father. He works night and day and never saw her anyway, now imagine how often he will see her now. I know she'll grow up, and one of those days, she will realize that her dad didn't want her. And Bella. I hate that name, but she's so adorable! At 3 months, she obviously won't remember any of this. Everything about the separation will be natural to her. It just kills me that she won't be growing up with a dad. To be honest, I can't see my sister finding someone else. She's nice enough, but who wants to deal with three kids that aren't his, all three of them spitting images of their real fathers?

Jessica doesn't have a job. They're going to have to move in with my grandma, like we had to after the divorce, which is a fate I wish upon no one. They don't have anywhere else to go.

And they had just bought a new house a few months ago. They just had a baby together. They bought a new van 2 weeks ago. I just don't get it. It was so unexpected. I know they used to... disagree a lot, but it never got to fighting. Always just disagreements. I never would have thought that it would come to this. I always thought they were perfect, stable, constant. There was never a thought, even in the back of my mind, that this could happen.


I'm so confused. I don't know how to think. This kind of just shook everything apart.
The one thought that keeps coming back is How? How could he do this?

And turning all against the one is an art that's hard to teach.

I've spent most of today applying for free offers online. Anything that really suited my fancy. Mostly a bunch of perfume and shampoos and stuff. I'll probably have enough shampoo to last me for the rest of the year. Which, I'm not complaining about. In the next two months, I will probably have about 100 things shipped to me. Maybe a little less. That might have been an exaggeration. Might have.

Well, I spent some of the day over at natalena's house. Ro and Navi were there for a short stint, but they were lame and went home. Anyhoo, we watched viral videos and talked to strangers. Mostly tried to make them uncomfortable enough to disconnect first. I told someone that I lost my pet rabbit(s) playing pinks with the neighbor boy across the street, and then we had a pleasant conversation with a young wanker from across the pond who would love to shag miley cyrus, though we told him that she was the scourge of america because she serves no meaningful purpose. Apparently, he looks like Fred Savage from The Wonder Years (he's 15). We told him we prefer Gaspard Ulliel (aka Frenchy). Then the kid taught us some slang, which I don't remember anyhow, and we would have taught him some, if America had any cool slang. Then it rained really hard, and I left and got ice cream :) And somewhere in there, natalie made ravioli that was delicious and we watched Arrested Development for about 5 seconds.

By the way, this morning, I was awakened by my father. He was going to buy an engine from some guy off of craigslist, and the guy told him to call him in the morning.
"Hey, do you know where that phone number is for that engine from last night?"
"Yeah. It's in my email."
"Oh. Okay" *5 minutes later* "How do you get in your email?"
"Well, I figured you wouldn't be able to. There's like, a password and stuff. You know, you have an email."
"Oh. Yeah, I know." *I get out of bed* "I didn't mean for you to have to get up."
"No, dad.*sigh* It's fine." *phone number doesn't work, spend 15 minutes trying to find the craigslist ad that my dad was looking at, he can't remember what category it was in, what he searched for, or even what the title was. I get frustrated and there is no possibility of going back to sleep*
"Okay. Thanks annie bears."
"Sure. Whatever."



But today was decidedly fun. I should probably do some of my homework tomorrow. I wonder if Carl's parents will let him go to the movies with us tomorrow? We're going to the Farmington-Civic to see Gran Torino :)

Show me how to lie, you're getting better all the time.

All day. She's been coughing up a lung all day. I can smell the smoke even when she's in the bedroom, and I'm out here. I only told her it was okay to smoke in the house when she first came, because I didn't think she'd be staying. Well here we are, 2 years later. Our house smells, which will most likely NEVER go away, and we have a drunken retard taking up space in our house.

Both of them keep saying that she's gonna leave.
"Fine. I'll leave. I will. No one respects me around here."
"Yeah, I talked to her last night. She's gonna be leaving here soon. I'm getting tired of this shit. And you guys don't need to deal with it."
Every single time. Their exact words.


Honestly, every time she coughs like that, I see an image in my mind of her choking, dying, and I'm there in the doorway. Just watching. Staring. Watching her die. Watching her reach out to me for help, and I'm just watching.
I don't think it makes me a bad person. I really don't. I think she really needs to leave, no matter how she does it.

This is the rise and the fall!

We've fallen apart and I want it back, but I don't know how. I miss summer and it hasn't even started yet. They put it in simple terms: 6 mondays; 35 days; 6 weeks; however you look at it. It's still school. And it's still Michigan, meaning that our weather can't even be nice for those 6 mondays; 35 days; or 6 weeks. It's going to flop around from being nearly freezing to 80º.

I'm still so sick of this place.
It looks beautiful, but nothing works out that way.

This is that end-of-year slump. I've had a taste of freedom, and I don't feel like doing anything anymore. It's been a mad dash to do my homework before school and then in 1st hour, and then in 2nd and then in 3rd and then just completely forget about (on purpose or otherwise). I've missed a homework assignment in French already, got lucky in math, didn't do a worksheet in Chemistry either. I like chemistry. I really do. I've planned on being a chemical engineer, but I hate it so much sometimes. At least the way they teach it. We'll do some problems as a class, ask some Questions, generally they don't get answered. "Well, what do you think?" I don't think anything. I don't get it. Get a worksheet, phrased completely different from any problems we've done in class, so that you second-guess everything you write down and all of it's wrong anyway. I used to be a little upset at my constant B average, but I'm really not surprised anymore.


My dad says that he is going to start giving us $15 or $20 allowances if we clean up around the house. Not that I'm arguing. He says it will probably be better for him in the long run, unless you consider that I don't ask him for more than $10 a week usually. To be honest, I don't even think that my sister ever asks him for money anymore unless she needs to buy cell phone minutes.



When school lets out, with my allowance money, I'm going to get a pet hedgehog. Why? Because I've wanted one for a while, and have never had the money, or had other plans. Kind of like that new iPod that I wanted to get. It didn't happen. I knew it wouldn't, honestly. Carl says that he'll buy me one with his first few paychecks. Not if I buy it with mine first. He still owes me a teddy bear, and a locket. It's funny how those promises are always pushed aside. But I won't forget, and I'll make sure he doesn't either.




He needs to blog more. I really wish his heart was in it again. He likes to think he tells me everything, but I don't really know how he's feeling most of the time.

But I like the fact that I can refer to him as "He" around people I know and everyone knows who I'm talking about. Which is good, otherwise I'd sound like I was crazy.

By the way, I drew you a picture. It was part of an assignment, but I really like it. It's kind of simple, but I want you to have it. It counts too. And although you owed me, I think that I will still draw you more pictures.


And I also like the fact that I can switch from talking about to talking to, without ever naming names, and everyone still knows who it is.

This is the reason you're alive.

Happy 420! >:)

I feel devious, as I'm sure the rest of the U.S. that's in the loop does.
I get to pinch off some of it.
Two buds. Orange Kush. Together, the size of my fist. For $30.



Niiiiice.

I hope yours is just as nice as mine.











P.S. I'm still sorry that I got mad at you and made you ruin the surprise. I never doubted you, I was just frustrated. You know how that goes. But you really are the greatest! It may not exactly be a surprise now, but you'd rather tell me than have me be upset for a few days.


P.P.S. Not that I ever doubted you, but it's hard to understand when you say you do, so I'm glad it made us so honest.

This is the closest of calls.

We just spent $70, meaning that Carl spent $50 from his birthday money, and I spent $20 that was left over from yesterday, and some of that was Carl's anyway.
Dillon has a new hotline, I guess you could call it. Apparently he's set up a syndicate with Johnson or someone and is losing dependence on Bodis. Tonight has been officially dubbed "The Syndication" and he mentioned there being a romping good time, with about 20 people or so. I declined, obviously. Regardless of what's happening with that, he seems happier, so I'll assume he's staying around. I have successfully negotiated his emotional troubles. I feel like Laura de Brick. Minus ridiculous connections to everyone.
5 for $40 and half for $30.

Tee hee. I feel like such a big spender, though it barely dips into their remuneration pool.
Enough about illegalities.



HAPPY 20 MONTH ANNIVERSARY, LOVE <3 :D



Do you know what it is? I do >:)


By the way, what are you doing this weekend?

(AND WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS:)


AND THIS IS EVEN FUCKIER! I tried to upload it to photobucket:


I hate computers sometimes >:(

This is the break in the bend

WOWEE WOWEE WOW.
That was so much fun!
We went roller skating for 3 hours and I raced and fell down and it was funny and embarrassing and funny. And Carl raced, except he was the only one, so he still won. But he lost against the guys who worked there.
Then we went back to my house and "ate lunch" and then got Wendy's and went to the movies!
We saw the Fast and The Furious, but hell if I know what happened in that movie. I remember vinn diesel stealing gasoline, then his girlfriend died, and the other guy was a cop, and then everyone was racing in tunnels, and then they arrested a guy in a church and then vinn diesel was going to prison. The end. And then we saw I love you, Man, but we were coming down so I actually remember what that movie was about. But god was it wonderful! I love ecstasy so much. It really is exactly what they say it is. It's happiness in a pill. Everything was just perfect. We were lying there, melting into each other, happy to be alive and relaxed. And when we walked outside and sat near the fountain, it was warm enough and we were together and I really can't describe how wonderful and perfect everything was.

I'm a little sad that we couldn't go to the drive-in like we had all planned to, but the night was easily just as good.
And now I'm sore from skating, but I get to spend the day at a cookout with my boy.
This spring break has truly been the best ever.

This is the price you pay for loss of control.

Still haven't taken it yet, though it would have made this title fit even better.

Anyways, roller skating (finally) tomorrow afternoon and drive-in tomorrow night with Chelsea and Ryan and Matt and Anna and Carl and I, hopefully, though all signs point to yes.
There's also the issue of the Vans Warped Tour coming up! Pre-sale ends Friday, which considering in half an hour it will be Thursday, that's basically tomorrow! I told my dad that we need to buy them now because otherwise the price will jump up and we definitely won't be able to afford them. Chelsea and I will be going together, and Carl should be able to as well because he said he would be gone the first two weeks of July, and it happens to be the 31st. Which works out good because we can go to the concert and then go on vacation, pretty much the very next day! Plus, if I buy mine now, I'll be able to save my money to help Carl pay for his tickets later (because I know his parents can't afford it). So, my dad says that when a check goes through tomorrow, we'll buy them first thing. Either that, or I will talk to my mother, but they will be bought ASAP!

I'm so fucking excited!

EVERYTHING IS FUCKING WONDERFUL!

------ This is the craze only we can bestow.

DOS: 17-4-09, Friday.
Rayford Very first cookout of the year: 17-4-09, Friday.



The list of things I wanted to do this spring break:

1. Go to Skatin' Station
2. Go swimming at the rec
3. Go to Paige's birthday party
4. Color easter eggs with Carl
   
5. Go to the movies/ drive-in
6. Look at old baby photos and stuff
7. Rent Red Dawn or Saving Private Ryan
   
8. Hang out with friends
9. Surprise sneak over
10. 
    

You're holding onto your grudge. It hurts to always have to be honest with the one that you love.

I didn't do anything, I swear. I was just so tired after you left that the memories of last night are a blur. I remember sitting up and eating kit kats like there was no tomorrow. Then there was a big beer mug for those flowers, it was the best I could do. I think it's still there. Then I remember laying down and getting comfortable and smelling sex all over my blankets, even though I had just washed them, and she was still there. And then it was 3 in the morning with Jack's mannequin and Idol Rewind, getting texts from a number I didn't recognize. This was after John from Driver's Ed realizing his mistake and figuring out who I was. I don't remember who it was, or what we were talking about either. I deleted them all last night. It doesn't matter now anyway.


I've got ecstasy stashed in a miniature violin, and am on a Quest to make a cake for a 2 year old. I got that phone call just a few minutes ago. Apparently she's running errands and previously ruined the first one, though I can't imagine how. Regardless, I have cake mix barreling towards me soon and a very interesting agenda.

The birthday party is at 4. That's that big thing that I wanted to do this week that I couldn't remember.
Maybe later we'll go for ice cream, or tacos. Or both. Whatever I feel like and whatever we can get away with.







I'm very popular today. I just got another phone call. Telling me things I already knew, but nonetheless. There's no one here and my mom trusts Carl to be here for about half an hour until she comes to pick us up. That is a big improvement, especially for her. Considering about a month ago or so, she yelled at me again for having him over when Ronda was the only one here and for also having him in my bedroom.

Today will be interesting.

Oh, it hurts to be this good.

I haven't gotten around to it. Just haven't. I've been busy with nothing, and I'm under some stress. I asked for more, and now they're all expecting it and I don't know what to do because none of that is what I really wanted.


My dad got a haircut last week. I didn't notice until the day before yesterday.
Tu pauvre.


By the way, nothing came of the monster business, not that any of you know what happened anyway. To which, I'm glad. For the lack of result part, not of the you not knowing.
In any case, I had a ridiculously amazing dream last night. It was almost real. Maybe it was? That's yet to be seen.



We'll catch up later. By the way, I'm sorry for the hospital visit. I hear you're supposed to see Chelsea later this week or something. You're going to have to see me as well, I hope you know. It's been far too long.
Well now, that sounds very impersonal and aristocratic.

Okay: I mean it. I will call you up this week and we're doing something. Going on an epic adventure, more than likely. S'il fait beau, nous ferons du pieds, d'accord? Bien.
In fact, you're all invited.

I wouldn't stop if I could

Like, seriously?

And from speeding up my breathing

I had a lot of fun. My pants were too big, and still are I guess. They're about 6 inches longer than they should be. Apparently they were made for a giant.
I met his Aunt again. And it wasn't "like an hour drive out there" it was more like half an hour- which is a big difference. We waited a while and walked around. Then my makeshift hemming (tape on the inside of my pants) came apart and my heels weren't nearly long enough to not step on, so Carl carried me around until we went in. And then mass started, which was, of course, mass. But you know we had fun the whole time giving secret glances and hand squeezes and tracing "I love you" in each other's palms. Not to mention just making fun of everything.

I told him this in the car on the way home, but I couldn't go too in depth; it's not like we had much privacy in the back of the car next to his aunt. I really don't know what it was. Something about being with him, not specifically there, but just together for that length of time, around all of those people, I just realized how much I truly loved him. It was like an epiphany of sorts. I was tracing his palm and the back of his hand with mine, and I wasn't listening to anything that was going on, I was paying just enough attention to fit in at a church (if that's really possible for me), but suddenly I looked up at him and everything was clear to me. Honestly, I love him immeasurably more than I ever have before, and I loved him a lot before then. It's just as though I was finally assured that everything was perfect between us. I mean, you always have those doubts that one day, one day... but sitting there with him, in church, having so much fun and smiling so much that it actually hurt, and laughing so much that I was yawning because I just couldn't breathe, everything just seemed perfect.

I even didn't mind taking communion for the first time in about 5 or 6 years (by the way, I was completely clueless on how to do that. I couldn't remember anything except that there were certain rules and also that I knew none of them). Luckily, that went well, but it's not like I was planning on putting Jesus inside of me, ever, especially since I had the option of not doing that.

All in all, I had a really good time being with him, regardless of the fact that it was in church. And he had a good time too which is all that really matters to me.



By the way, I know you're probably trying to get over the shock of me going to church, but it's not like I've never been there in my life. And despite the good things that happened today in church, it had nothing to do with that and I'm not in any way going to become religious now, and I still, as I always have, think it is a big joke.

And it's all from watching TV

What an appropriate title this time, not that they're not all appropriate to some extent.

I'm sorry I didn't call, love. Though, I know you'll tell me it's fine, and I know it is. I feel bad because I said I would, and I do everyday, and maybe you didn't notice, or maybe you did and thought I forgot, but either way, I didn't forget and it means a lot that I missed it. I fell asleep at 7 and set an alarm to get up at 8:30, in time to call you, and then I woke up at 8 and fell back asleep and didn't wake up until 12:30. Which is why I'm typing this now. I know you won't see this until tomorrow after school probably, but I just had to tell you now anyway.

It probably didn't help that I ate a big pan of mac and cheese, but at the same time I ate a large bowl of ice cream after that, so I figured I would be kept awake. Sometimes this acquired lethargy is a pain in the neck. I miss out on a lot of stuff. I missed Reaper too :/


I realized the other day, that I stopped writing in journals and notebooks. Part of that is probably this blog, but I think I've just gotten better at dealing with everything. Usually, now, if there's a problem, you'll hear about it. It kind of makes me feel bad when I think about it, because it sounds like I just have a bunch of problems with you and I nag you all the time. I don't, by the way. Because I love you a lot.
And though you don't think so, I think you did a great job at the meet today. It might not have been your best, or what you were expecting, but it was still really good. Like you said, it was just some little mistakes, but if it wasn't for those, everything would have been perfect! Which, if you still can't see it, means you were perfect and some little mistakes messed it up. You were really really good today and I want you to be able to see that, okay? Don't feel bad and especially don't dwell on it.


WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THIS MOVIE ON ADULT SWIM?

OH HAHAHAHAHAHAHA APRIL FUCKING FOOLS.
I liked the April Fools showing of Perfect Hair Forever better. That show is bitchin'.