My tongue's the only muscle on my body that works harder than my heart

Okay, I will see you later today instead. But it's still good.
I finished Animal Farm in an hour. I need more books. Donations would be nice. I should talk to Ryan Stevenson if I can ever manage to see him around school. Or I could see Chelsea Cole-y face. We still need to hang out and she still needs to be less busy.

This is the way you wish your voice sounds: handsome and smart

I'm sorry for ever feeling that way. I hate doubting you or feeling angry at you.

I had a lot of fun with you today, AND I'm going to see you later. You're really nice to me even when I don't deserve it. I love you so much it's unbelievable!








(and I'm still kind of high right now)

And these are the words you wish you wrote down.

I have accidentally stabbed myself in the palm.
Looking back, I should have taken the extra 10 seconds to get scissors.
What's done is done.
Ow.

We are the best at what we do.

He wanted to do something different. I wish he would have spoken up earlier at the restaurant. Maybe the night would have ended differently. I'm sorry I disappointed him this time.

He says he wants to get out of this rut, which I completely understand, but I thought we had been having a good time. Sure it gets a bit monotonous, but most of the time he's just really tired and wants to relax. And the other half of the time we're screwing around. It's not like we had many options. It is getting warmer now, but we are still very limited. We have no money to do anything.

This weekend I won't see him very much. It's supposed to be rainy. I want him to come over again Saturday night in case I don't see him on Sunday. We won't have time for anything tomorrow. We'll be doing something different. He still said, "Maybe." Even after how things were on Sunday. I know that is as much as he can promise sometimes, but I still don't understand why everything has to be an excuse. Nothing and everything has changed since last year, but why does this have to be different? Why does this have to be less important than it used to be? I know it's not new, but nothing we've been doing for the past year is new and he keeps coming back. Sure, it begs more of him than it does of me, but I would gladly go to his house if that was an option. I really just don't understand, and maybe that's the problem.

I don't want to make him feel bad and I want to talk about it with him in person, but I can't call him after he leaves. I can't even text him because he has no minutes left. It's just that, as much as we see each other and are around each other every day, we're not together. And when we are, I still feel lonely sometimes. It feels like we're not doing enough and we never have time to do anything. I don't feel like we're growing apart, I just feel not as close. He won't admit that anything is wrong sometimes and when he does, he won't tell me what it is. I know when he's lying like that, and it hurts because it feels like he doesn't trust me.

I asked him if it was worth waking up today; if it was a good day. He said, "I don't know." "Well, you got to see me." "Yeah, that's good, but all the rest of the bad things cancel it out." "So, not even I'm worth waking up for?" "NO! I'm not saying that!" And he was angry at me. But how else can I take that? He says I'm the only reason he gets up in the morning anymore, but sometimes I can't tell. Sometimes it seems like he doesn't care about me as much as he says. You have no idea how much it hurts to say that, but that's how I feel sometimes. And it hurts even more that I can have such wonderful days like yesterday, and then it swings so dramatically down the next. Sometimes it just seems like everything is for him. And still yet other times he would give me the world if he could. I'm just always so confused and torn up with him. But I always love him. Always. It wouldn't be love if I couldn't be so confused about him.

I just wish he was around more, which, from the answer his dad gave him, won't happen.
I wish we had more time together so that I could appreciate the time we were apart and so that we would have time for everyone else. I am fully aware of the fact that we put everyone else away and keep to ourselves. We don't want it that way, but we really don't have much of a choice. When our time together is limited, every second counts.
However, it really hurts when I have to deny a friend's plans.


There's so much that I want for myself, and for him, and for us, and for everyone else, and so much that I will never get. I want things to be perfect like we had imagined it would be.

We admit to the truth.

Through everything, you know that I love you more than words can say. It's days like these that make me happier than anything else. Just being around you is fun and everything we say is new and exciting and funny and I smile like I should just from seeing your face. Even my eyes seem brighter and more colorful and I feel perfectly comfortable around you, no matter what I'm wearing or how I look. I know you're mine and I love you for it, and I love you for being so nice to me all the time and forgiving me for everything that I've done to you. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me and just want you to know that. Sometimes, I want to try to make you understand how I feel about you, but then I look at you and the way you look at me and I realize that you do understand and you feel the exact same way.

We are entirely smooth.

I know he didn't mean it. I know it was all in fun. But it hurt. A lot. And I tried to ask you for help and you were too absorbed and you didn't hear me. And that was a problem in and of itself. I felt abandoned.

And I know it's not even close to the same, but for me, that was kind of the equivalent of rape. I couldn't move and no one helped me and I was really scared. I'm not really sure how I can portray to you how that felt to me. I'm not sure if I can really be comfortable around your dad now. At least not for a long while.

What kind of made me more upset is that no one really understood how shaken I was by that. Jilian texted me to ask what happened and her reply was: "I'm sorry babe. And all I did was pretend to slit your throat. Luv ya silly ;)"

I won't even be able to talk to you about this until tomorrow at school.

We're so c-c-c-controversial.

There's a lot to say and little time to say it.


In English, we're starting this thing called Minute Reading. One person, reads something, for a minute, everyday. It has to be significant. It has to last one minute. It can be anything. I signed up to be first, which is next Monday. I'm going to read the lyrics to this song. There is honestly no literature more meaningful to me. Except maybe: I love you so much it's reetardead, reaturded, reatardid, returdeed, riturded, raturdad, dumb :)
And that definitely won't last a minute, but I swear I never laughed more in my life, and I can tell you ALL about absolute zero.
He found me a silly little heart in the shed and left it on purpose to confuse me. He also left his lion. We found a rusty trailer, secret place, and a dead place too. And a mysterious (and not so mysterious) mailbox. Then a shiny rehab center rose out of the forest and appeared before our eyes, all the while chilling me to my bones.
We found Jilian and we found donuts and in between I was clotheslined into the ground. Then it was time to go and I ate enough for three people and called it Quits. And he had a headache and broke my heart, but mended it back together with tears of joy and a little bit of "glue."
Later on I spent my days with the Caster and we saw Watchmen and washed Frankie in 38ºF weather (but damn was it sexy). And we took a walk and a crazy old lady said something about Hugh Jackman and we were off! We walked to Merriman, under the threat of death, only to be disappointed and cold, so I bought some peach rings and we got hot chocolate too.

School was fine again, but boring as shit. I've noticed I just about never have homework in any class this semester. I wonder how much of a difference it will be next year. I know I've given myself senioritis for next year, but I figure, it's the only year left where I really need to try.

Today was ok, although I was really pissed off after third hour because I was running late, and Carl was running late, and Tom was tagging along being Tom. And then he started stepping on the back of my shoes so I turned around and yelled "I DON'T FUCKING HAVE TIME FOR THIS TOM." In class, I cooled down. I'm keeping up my steady B and there was a crossword puzzle and a sub, which both got increasingly easier to work with. Everything was going good until after 6th hour on the way to our lockers. Carl was arguing with Robert about the lazer tag battle and how the Germans were still better and the French were pussies and it was kind of my last nerve. We had talked about it before that I didn't want to argue about it, and I was angry that he wouldn't just leave it alone and kept insulting the French and so I yelled at him. I actually raised my voice and yelled, and I feel absolutely terrible. I really do. I don't think I've ever actually screamed at him like that. I know it will be ok, and Jilian talked me through it, but I still feel bad.

I'll be able to make up for it in about an hour and a half though because Carl's parents won free tickets to go see Monsters vs. Aliens and so Carl and I are going and we're taking Jil too because his mom copped out for something "better" and it would have been awkward to take one of "his" friends or one of "mine." We just figured Jil would be better suited, so don't take offence, anyone.

I just want to believe, I just want to believe, I just want to believe in us.

Miracle at St. Anna has Joseph Gordon-Levitt, from Brick. It was a small part, but I'm glad to see him again.
That's probably the saddest movie I've ever seen.




I have nothing else to say.

We were contenders, we're throwing the fight

That really hurt. I thought you didn't like to make me cry?
There are sometimes where it is better not to say anything at all, and that was one.
You could have at least said it to me instead of to everyone else on your blog.

We're concentrated on falling apart

I finally got to the chorus and I'm still only about a third through the song. This might last me another two months.

I couldn't finish the post the other day because my mother walked into the house unexpectedly, and we wouldn't want her to wonder what I was doing.

Anyway, so yesterday, I took my dog for a walk around my mom's neighborhood. We went around the whole subdivision (which is about 6 blocks, or about 1/4th of a mile), and she was getting tired because it was pretty hot and before we left I played with her in the back yard. Well, I was taking a shortcut on this one street close to my house, which I normally don't do because of this one neighbor's house. They have three dogs, and they're pretty big dogs. They also have a wooden gate that latches at the top, allowing the bottom to be pushed open. You can kind of see where this is going. Well, let it be known that those dogs knew how to get out, and they have before when I was walking Jas last summer. One got out and attacked her and then followed us for a few blocks until it finally turned around and went home. Jas wasn't hurt or anything, but nevertheless, we never went near that house again. Until yesterday, when I was taking that shortcut. This time, the dogs had already escaped, due to another neighbor walking by or their own mischievousness. They were on the other side of the street from me and didn't bother us at all, most likely because they were busy with a dog behind a fence, but as I turned the corner to get to my street, there was a lady with her son (about our age) and she was on the phone with animal control. She told me to go home because those dogs had attacked her neighbor's dog and then she pointed out that they were coming down the street after me. Well, I told her that they attacked us before and I showed her where they lived and I didn't really look back, but I think the son went to tell their owners or something (If they were even home. That was the problem last time) and the lady was following the dogs to make sure that they didn't get away. I really don't know what happened after that, but I hope that those dogs were taken by animal control. It's not the first time that it's happened, all the neighbors know it, and the owners are well aware that their gate is broken. I mean, they're probably nice dogs and everything, but if they can't control them, or even care about controlling them, they should probably have them taken.

On another note, things are not going well. I know it's hard, but at least make the best of it, okay? 100% ice please? I even colored you pretty pictures :) And I can more than likely, almost indefinitely probably see you on Friday too! Think of what will happen then ^^
I promise you things will be okay. I swear it even.

On a final note, I am denouncing The Red and The Black, and officially starting Animal Farm today (probably also finishing it today, too). I will try TR&TB after I'm finished with the rest of that list because I'm tired of waiting on myself to finish a book that I don't really want to read. I'm just past half way through and I really could care less if I ever pick it up again, but I made a promise to myself and I intend to keep it. I'm just side-stepping it a little. IT'S NOT CHEATING, IT'S JUST BENDING THE RULES A LITTLE SO I STILL WIN. Regardless, now comes the time where I say, feel free to lend any of those books from my list that you might have. I only need about 3, depending on the size of the book and my schedule (which is pretty much nonexistent). I'll bug you in about a week for some more.


By the way, I wanted to thank Teri for giving me her new blog url, but I can't comment on it, so I'm doing it here. I doubt she'll see it though, but one can never tell.

At least pretend you didn't want to get caught.

My life, my pesticide, works overtime. Make it last a long one. It's my life, by me this time. My pesticide: slow to kill your dreams.

I miss cheese balls. But I have some, so I guess I can't miss them too much. They have them at the Dollar Store now! *super excitement*

So, Sunday, we spent the day mostly at the Dollar Store just buying a bunch of stuff. Mostly candy, but of course there were also silly gifts. Then we stopped by The AQuarium because I had never actually been in there and we saw a lot of cool fishes and turtles and crabs and stuff. I have convinced my mom to get an AQuarium and get some really cool fish from there, and also I kind of want to get a job there if possible. I mean, it's close to home, and I would be able to amuse myself just watching the fish when it gets slow (because I imagine it gets very slow, very often). Anyway, it was so nice out, and we were having fun, but he had to leave too soon. That rule needs to change so that he can stay out longer. But what of his birthday? They'll have no reason then. Nothing we'd be doing would be illegal at that point. Well, at least I can hope for it. What else have I got?

I'm finding amusement and... strange fulfillment in unexpected places. Maybe it's the sun. I'm happy not having any close friends right now. I like just existing among everyone else. I know things will change over the summer. I'll be restless again, except this time there will be time for me.

I want to go swimming too. I want to show him my new bathing suit (on me this time ;D) and it's been the weather for it lately. I know it's not going to last very long. This weekend is supposed to be cold again

Keeping Quiet is hard, but you can't keep a secret if it never was a secret to start.

Je manque tous qu'I a par le passé eu et je manque tous ce que je n'ai jamais eus.

It seems silly that I worried so much. I had a lot of fun just existing there. I just wish that someone else would have been there with me.









In other words, I'm completely lost. Everyone's angry and I still don't know what's going on. The perks of being a wallflower I guess. I know you all like to forget.

Oh it's so hard to have someone to love.

I wear red and black to symbolize the idiotic nature of symbolization.


All around me are familiar faces,
Worn out places, worn out faces,
Bright and early for the daily races,
Going nowhere, going nowhere.



If I leave traces of me behind, will anyone notice? Because I've been shedding skin for the last 16 years of my life and even I can't see it.

Holding on to your grudge.

My ipod is on the fritz. Even more so now. If I turn it on, it hangs in limbo between play and pause. Sort of like life, isn't it? I woke up to find it on a mystery playlist: 0 of 0, Jack's ManneQuin; Dark Blue at exactly 1:13 on pause. It was locked all night. In my naivety and lack of guidance, I thought maybe someone was with me in the bathroom, short circuiting my ipod just to fuck with me. Turning it on right after I turned it off, again and again. I want to believe her. She's so convincing the way she believes. I'm still not sure. But it's an escape, and what if it is real? Won't I seem the fool. Besides, there's such confidence in me as well.
It's almost like Hercules. I want to be honest with her because she's honest with me, even to the point of being called crazy, and she's fine whether I believe with her or not.

My room smells stale. It doesn't like when other people sleep there. I don't like when other people sleep there. The phrase "stab a bitch" has been floating through my head recently. I'd do it.




Something as simple as a box. How would you draw it? Because I can think of a thousand ways, and I know how to do every one. But what do you want? To think you have to be specific in what kind of box you want. The world is a funny place. At least it's warmer. And Capt. Crunch is back.




I like the values of Orange. I won an award one time for a monochromatic painting. It was orange. We had to color a room according to certain schemes. My monochromatic one was orange. My color value chart was orange. I hate the color in anything except flowers.

Hope you come down with something they can't diagnose, don't have the cure for

This is what I have to come home to. Every goddamn day of my life. I'm tired. I have nothing. I have you. Period. I'm taking classes next year that I'd rather not (as capable as I am) because I don't want you to leave me behind. It hurt the most when you said this was, "crazy clingy girlfriend stuff." You have no idea how afraid of that I am. I know you're not leaving. I know I'll see you in a few days, but I have to put up with a few days of this.

My basement is flooded. Who wants to bet that our insurance will cover that?
The mortgages are due. Who wants to bet that we can pay it?
We have no food. Who wants to bet that we're going to get more soon?
There are so many things that I want. That I need. And I'm afraid to even ask because I know that he'll say yes. No matter what.
That's the reason my mom left him. That's the reason people take advantage of him. That's the reason we are in this deficit shit hole.


I called my mom in tears. Something I haven't done in... years. Because I'm so fucking tired of everything here. Of hearing about all the things we lack, and will lose. I'm leaving, for now.


Fuck if any of you really care.

Every line is about who I don't want to write about anymore

There have been some truths that I have been swallowing for years. They came out today. There's just something about her that makes me want to be brutally honest.


And you, and you, and you, and YOU. All of you! I can't stand you anymore. Am I really your friend or do you just pretend to be? I swear to god I don't know what's up anymore, not that anyone in the world would tell me of all people. I know, because I'm so judgmental and all. I know I'm not online that much, but I see you in school. Have you ever made a motion? (In this notion of an ocean of lotion?) At this point, I could care less if I ever talk to any of you again, because apparently I'm that important to you.

See, this wouldn't be as much of a problem, if I was making enough new friends to be worth it.

I'm tired. Of everything. And I gave my boy the day off.
:/

This is war.

Friday! We went to the movies! :) Carl thought that I had money, but I didn't actually, nor did I say anything like it, but that's okay, because my sister lent us money. She even bought the tickets for us. We saw Slumdog Millionaire :D I can see why it won awards. Plus, the entire Paper Planes song was in it, which made it that much better. Anyway, we were going to see Street Fighter also, but we went back to my house instead because it was already getting late. When he left however, I was feeling very lonely and had a break down of sorts. It's alright now, but not being able to see him much takes its toll.
Anyhow, I hung out with Katie and Chelsea (and Liz for a brief spell) on Saturday to keep me occupied and not lonely, and also because all of my uncle's kids were over and I would probably have killed myself. We went up to the dollar store to buy stuff to send to Katie's long distance boy. Then we went to Wendy's because we were hungry and we met Liz there and then Chelsea's mom picked us all up and took us back to Katie's, sans Chelsea of course (she had to accompany her dog to the vet for some unknown reason). Then Liz left for Dom's and Katie and I called up Jon.
We couldn't think of anywhere to go, so Jon drove us to Barnes and Noble and we hung out there for a good while, until we saw Jon's dad there. Then we didn't know where to go from there, so I decided we'd flip a coin to see what direction we would go in. Which is fun, especially when you're with Jon who makes really wide and tight turns, and goes about 20 over the speed limit on purpose. We ended up in a lot of weird neighborhoods and that was entertaining for about half an hour or so, but then Jon had to go home.
So he dropped us off at my house, and we didn't want to spend the night there, so we walked back to Katie's house and then Liz came and went in about two seconds and that was it.
On Sunday, I walked back to my house, did morning things, and then saw Carl some more! And then my sisters showed up and walked in my room at a really awkward moment because I was getting a back massage and so I had no shirt or bra on, and I was also doing laundry so I was wearing really short shorts. But because my sisters were there, that meant my mother was also there! Then she got mad because my dad wasn't home, and then she said lots of rules and stuff, and then she left. I followed those rules for about an hour, maybe less, and then I just did whatever. I wasn't supposed to be in my room with Carl just because my little sister was home, which makes no sense at all. Anyway, I still had fun.


That was my weekend, give or take. That was also really short and rushed because I don't care right now and I'm not sure why I'm still typ