You can only blame your problems on the world for so long

I just got back from Race for the Cure downtown. It was pretty fun, albeit a little overwhelming. I went with Carl and his scout troop to pass out water. In the heart of it, I would carry a case of 24 water bottles and set it down and open it up, and it'd be gone in about 30 seconds. I still enjoyed it though. I don't think there was a single person who didn't say thank you, which is unexpected, but still nice.



We talked some yesterday. I bought him ice cream like I had planned all week, and we were walking home. We got mad over something stupid, and then he kind of went into an onslaught of problems he's been having with everything. And it was upsetting because he was talking about it as if I didn't understand what he's been going through. We stayed at the park for I don't even know how long, but eventually I got cold and we went home. And then we just stayed in my room in the dark until he had to leave. I feel better, but I'm not really sure if we can say that we actually accomplished anything.

I'm mostly still just a little bit bitter because I told him that I still feel like I'm taking second seat, and I won't be able to see him later today, or tomorrow, and he's going to be gone everyday after finals, so I don't get to hang out with him then, and he'll be gone that weekend, and the next week as well. And he said that he might be going to hang out with his brother up at college for a week or so as well.
I mean, usually he tells me about all of this stuff he's going to be doing, and I freak out up until, and then it actually happens and it's not nearly as bad as I ever think it's going to be, but this time he's actually going away. And what the hell am I supposed to do in that time? The first chance we actually have any freedom this year and he's going to be gone for all of it. The problem is, I'm not sure he realizes how I even feel about it. I know it's not his fault and that he has to do it, but he never acts like it's a big deal that I'm not going to see him for a week or more straight when I'm really going to need him.

I wish I didn't get my hopes up anymore. They just get crushed every time.

I will never believe in anything again

There's about 7 minutes left in class. We're in the computer lab. A really essential website cannot download on this computer. I'm bored. And also I can't type. I hate everything.




Goodbye, I guess.

These little shits need to leave. We bought literally dozens of packets of kool-aid so that there'd be enough to last us until next time we go shopping. We have about 10 left, and it takes 2 to make a gallon (which is the kind of pitcher we have). HOW THE FUCK DO THEY DRINK SO MUCH. Jil's mom said that they look like little shits. She was right.
They ruined the whole drive-in experience. I ended up sleeping in the back of the car because I couldn't even watch the movie because they were so loud and obnoxious.

They were supposed to be moving up north about 2 weeks ago.

What makes you so special?

I got a phone call from my mom while I was making dinner. She yelled at me for having Carl over yesterday when I said he was supposed to be out of town. When I told her that his camp out didn't really start until today at 10:30, and he only found that out yesterday, so he came over, she yelled at me for having him in my room with the door shut. So I told her that we were watching a movie.
Then she yelled at me and said that she got me birth control so that I wouldn't get pregnant, not to sleep around with everyone. So I said, we DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. She said that from now on, I will stay at her house on the weekends because she can't trust me or my dad. (That won't happen, by the way). So I told her again, WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

This is the best part.

Then she says that my sister and Lindy said that EVERYONE at Churchill talks about how Carl and I are only together because I sleep with him all the time.

YEAH.

So I told her that Carl hasn't been over to my house for about 2 or 3 weeks, no one says ANYTHING about Carl and I, and that Julie wouldn't know SHIT about what goes on at Churchill anyway. The only friends she has are Ryan McPherson and James. GREAT FUCKING SOURCES DUDE.

So I asked my mom why she was trusting what Julie says, even though Julie's a dick, she hates me, and she's mad at me for telling her friend that she was lying to her. So then I explained how Julie told her friend Sam that her boyfriend was cheating on her with Lindy, in our back yard, groping her and making out with her, and then told her that he lied about having to go to the hospital, while the whole time she was on the phone with Lindy, laughing and saying how much fun it was to lie to Sam and how gullible and stupid she is. Then I told her how I had to tell Sam about what happened, and then Julie yelled at me for telling Sam, as if I was the bad guy here.

And I think that convinced my mom that maybe Julie is an insensitive fucktard, and that she was lying to try and get me in trouble.




Either way, I'm fucking pissed. The second I see her again, I'm going to punch her in the face.

Get uniQue

From the makers of Brick comes, The Brothers Bloom. A story about professional con men who take on the rich. I saw an ad for it on Facebook, but I didn't catch the name of it. I just saw "from the makers of Brick," which of course drew me in right there. Before I could click to find more, the ad changed. I tried to look for it, there's a space that usually says "More Ads," but it wasn't there. Needless to say, I forgot about it, until today.
I was on Facebook again and I was thinking about it, and hoping it would pop up. Well, then I figured that I would just search it on google. Nora Zehetner (Laura) is going to be in it again, along with Noah Segan (Dode). There was one review. They said that it wasn't like usual con films, that it was more like A Fish Called Wanda. Very humorous, almost to the point of going too far. They said that the plot was very predictable though and that the ending was a disappointment, but Rachel Weisz' acting and the play of the characters makes it worth it.


Well, I don't know about you, but I'm excited. I want to go see it.

Leave the lies to the liars.

Whenever I try to do anything productive, it depresses the hell out of me and I let it slide. I tried to write some poems, because you wrote so many new ones. I don't think in rhyme like you do. I had a good idea, but it was about six lines long, and I had no way to finish it. I tried. It didn't turn out well. I deleted it. I was too fucking disappointed.








Something about today has left me terribly desolate. I think you can probably guess. I mean, I was alright this morning, albeit a little peeved at everything. I mean, I hate feeling used, and I know you do, and you know that's exactly what was happening. Besides, you were worried that Josh would get mad, and unless he is a complete asshole, even he can understand when things don't go as planned. You've been disappointed this way, no?



So when exactly do I get to see you? I didn't see you for two weeks, and then I got to see you last Friday for 4 hours, and on Saturday for 2 or 3, and this weekend I won't even see you at all because you'll be gone camping the whole time. I guess we'll have Monday, maybe. If for some reason you're parents haven't completely booked you then, or you're camp out ever ends. I'm just wondering when we will actually be able to see each other. You said that we would have more time now, but I'm still not seeing it. I think I'm actually seeing less. And I know you're going to tell me "It's only this weekend, and then there's only two weeks and summer is here and we'll have all the time we want." It's just frustrating because I can't ever make plans with you on the weekends, because I'll get an idea in my head and you'll tell me that you'll be gone all weekend again, and then I'm left disappointed and bored and lonely again, and then I start resenting you for all of the things you have to do, and I feel like I'm coming in second place again, even though none of it is really your fault, and you know it's a downward spiral from there. We fight some more, I cry a lot, you get mad, I get mad, the whole ordeal. I don't want to get to that point, but I feel like we're heading there again, and I really thought we would be okay now. Nothing has really been done about last time though, and I really hate waiting for you to make time for me.



But fuck, man. I'm really not mad. I'm not. I don't know how to explain it. It'll be fine. I know it will. Two goddamn weeks. That's all it takes.
I just need you now more than ever, and that's exactly when I have you less than ever.
Please just try to do something? I don't know what, but I just want to feel like I haven't really been forgotten.

Daddy said, "You've got to show the world the thunder."

My internet is all fucky again. The other day after I wrote that post, I had to shut the computer down because the pages wouldn't load, and when they did, there would be no pictures, or it would be in html format, which is much more annoying to deal with. Anyway, it's happening now, and I'm wondering if this will even work. I can't connect to gmail right now and I'm super pissed because I have to write an email about looking into taking an online Environmental Science course, because I don't know if I'd have to drop Physics next year, or if I would take both. And my answer to taking the course is kind of based off of that (and also how much it costs, but, you know).

ANYWAY...


Jil and I were gonna go to the Old's home to visit some grave footers. The cool kind that are a little bit crazy, but have the funniest stories to tell, and maybe they hate our generation but they enjoy us because they're so fucking lonely all the time, and eventually we're all great pals. We'll probably run into those ACTUALLY fucking crazy kind that forget everything and have flashbacks and try to kill you periodically. Or we'll see the typical zombie kind. But whatever, it's still going to be interesting.

Well, I wanted to talk to Carl online because he said we could do that yesterday, but I wasn't at my dad's house, so I told him to try today. So I tried my best to break plans with Jil. We were supposed to go at 6, but I ignored her phone calls until about 6:30 and pretended to be doing laundry which is why I didn't hear the phone go off, and then I told her that we should just cancel because I still needed to eat and that would take about half an hour or so to make it and eat it, and that we wouldn't have time to even visit them, and also that it would probably be closed. Well she said she would pay for dinner on the way, and that we would just stop in and see what time visiting hours were and talk to someone and ask them if we could start visiting on weekends and stuff. So basically, I couldn't really get out of it, she guilted me into it and I really didn't have an excuse, I already had told her I could go. So I texted Carl and told him that I was sorry and that I wouldn't be able to talk to him online, and that we should do it tomorrow, and that I'd call him a little later.
So then I was disappointed that I couldn't talk to Carl, and I had to bike about 2 and a half miles with Jil, who isn't always the most pleasant to talk to for very long. Then, Carl texted me and told me not to call because he was upset over some programming and didn't want to talk on the phone, so I was even more disappointed, and a little bit hurt.
I mean, I know he doesn't want to take my calls for granted or anything, but it's really important for me to talk to him later on for whatever reason. It just kind of hurts when he says he doesn't want to talk, because I always do, and then I feel like it's something about me that makes him recluse for the night.
So regardless of all that, it wasn't the best experience of my life. I'm not, however, going to say that it was all bad. We still ended up going to the Old's home. We didn't see any grave footers, but it was definitely interesting. We got there, and the visiting hours had ended maybe 5 minutes before, so we were sad for a second. And then there was a sign that said, "Ring doorbell after 6pm," which we did of course. Then the door opened by some unseen force. Well, there was no one in the lobby, and the office there was closed. There were lots of signs on the door, but they were really confusing and irrelevant. There was something about the office being closed on weekends and holidays from 6pm to 10am, and during the week. So I'm not sure if that office is really ever open or not.
Well then, there was this hallway that branched out, and we picked left (after debating whether to leave, or wander around confusedly). It led to some other doors where we could see the actual olds in the hallway, and we were about to turn around when a very big black nurse walked out and said, "What's the matter?" It was kind of intimidating, I will admit. She had the kind of mouth that looked like she could eat you whole. She was big enough for it too. Anyway, Jil and I kind of prattled about how we wanted to come visit sometimes. She just told us to come during the day and they'd help us with volunteering and stuff.
So aside from being really, really confused and awkward, we found out what we needed to know and hit the road.

On the way back, we stopped at that war memorial across from Bates just because, and those guys had some weird names. I don't remember them really, but they were strange. And I wondered how exactly that one guy from Livonia ended up in the Spanish American war. It was mostly in Texas if I do recall. Michigan and Texas are not even close to the same place. Or even generally near each other. I don't know. It was strange.




So that was my day mostly. I forgot that I could have talked to Carl through my phone because I have AIM on that, but whatever. Too late. I hope he's feeling better. I don't like it when he's all upset, especially when I can't do anything about it.




Sorry if I'm just blathering on about everything. I wonder if anyone really reads this anymore.





To make this post even longer, I've noticed something. It has come to my attention that I'm sort of... numb, I guess. I mean, I can't get excited watching porn. I'm indifferent to sour things, and spicy things most of the time. The thought of people dying doesn't really make me sad, and I've said it before, I think that if I ever wanted to kill someone, I could probably do it without thinking too much of it. I don't know. I feel like I'm perhaps missing out on something.

Call me Mr. Benzadrine, but don't let the doctor in.

Giving the album a real once over because either I forgot that I had bought it, or someone hacked my account, I have discovered that I now own Folie à Deux, and some sort of Mayday Parade album.

Listening to it the first day, I really liked it. More than I thought. I still really do, not that that's changed, I've just noticed that the songs are EXACTLY the same as the ones on the previous, except with different lyrics. Particularly Disloyal Order of Water Buffaloes. This album seems less original than everything else they've done, and that disappoints me. It also kind of seems like they tried too hard on the lyrics this time.



It's only Tuesday. It seems like it should be Thursday or Friday. Perhaps that's just my longing for summer vacation. I'm in luck, it's not too far away. About 16 days, counting final days. The (fe)mail man was even wearing casual summer clothes today.

Yesterday I bought some new shirts. Pretty plain, mostly to wear under or over other ones. I don't know if I'm satisfied with them yet, because I don't think they flatter me. However, it might have just been the lighting and the mirror in the store. It didn't look as bad at my house. I managed to by 5 shirts because I knew what I wanted and what was on sale. My sister, who wasn't thrilled to go in the first place, bought 3. They were: a pair of hot pink capris with pink leopard spotted trim, a pink, yellow, and electric blue, zebra striped sleeveless jacket (what the fuck, seriously?), and a shirt that is generally the same. All of it was the shitty Abbey Dawn brand that Avril Lavigne is trying. Completely scene and jack-ass-y. What the hell happened to cool clothes? When we walked into the store, she asked me if they would have "pink zebra striped skinny jeans." I told her, if she wanted those, she'd have to go to Hot Topic and pay about $40. By the way, she's wearing the outfit today. Truly horrendous. I have no doubt she will turn into one of these fucktards:





So, onto some good news! Carl was at the track meet today during school. Yeah, I was really lonely and disoriented, but I'll live. I mean, I'm here, aren't I? I at least got to see him after second hour sort of. I watched him and the rest of the gang put the poles onto the bus. I recognized Carl's shoes and the way he wears his bag on his side. I was late to third hour, but whatever. Getting back on track (pun NOT intended), Carl vaulted 10'11" which earned him 7th place and 2 points :)
He says he could have had 12, but his run was messed up. Either way, I'm really super proud, and I can't tell him enough. He's really good! Plus, he gets his letter now! :DDDDDDD

With a thousand lies and a good disguise, hit 'em right between the eyes

I have blue gummi sharks. They are 7 selects, 7-11s attempt at trying to be gourmet or something. Basically, an excuse to sell those same bags of candy that are normally 2 for $1, for $1.25. Anyway, they're really good still. Apparently, they are "swimmingly sweet" and "strike ferocious fun into every bite."HA. CLEVER (not really).



I'm really bored. Maybe I'll see Jil today.
My dad has been working pretty much nonstop all weekend, and whenever I do see him, he keeps trying to make it up to us and he wants to take us to get movies, and ice cream, and the like. We can barely afford groceries. Sounds really smart.
In most cases, I would go to my mom's house, but I'd feel bad because he'd come home and he'd think that I didn't want to spend time with him, or that I was too bored with him. So I guess, morally, I have to stay here now. However, I will definitely not be here next weekend, because I know that Ronda will. She's doing her little "I'm not going to drink for about a week, so it looks like I'm trying, and then once I win you over again, nothing will have changed." And since I don't want her to stop drinking, I just want her out, which she will not be because my dad sees no distinction between the two, I won't be here. At the very most, I will still be gone for less than a month.

You’ll fall on your face, You get back up and you're doing fine

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Call me a boy 'till I've learned. Call me the bird and the worm.

'Cause sick hearts do fine with wasting their time.


7th inning stretch. I'm different than when I started this year, I'll tell you that much. My general attitude remains the same, I guess. I'm just definitely not the same. We'll notice in the fall with school pictures. We were looking through an old yearbook in third hour. Everyone looked so little, and it was only a year ago. I can't tell if it's high school or life that's changed us the most.

As school breaks down, it's getting easier, for me at least. But the lack of desire to do anything makes it all seem worse than it is. My chemistry class complained because the teacher wasn't there on test day, so they could ask him questions [side note: I'm typing this at school, so the q works on this keyboard, but at first I still typed it capitalized!] about the review, even though they had all of the class period the day before, and after school to. He told them that instead of socializing like they do, they should work on the review, and they were actually appalled that he would suggest it.

We've only got 18 days left of school. Remember when we were younger when we would count down, and sooner than we would realize, school would actually be over? The calendar says 18, but I see endless days.

Aching my head like it's the weight of the world,
And it seems I forgot how to smile.
Make friends with the devil, it's dangerous;
Sad, That I don't really have any friends.
I'd rather shut my eyes.
Call this a mask, call me strong;
Call me a mess, call me wrong...

...There's so much left to see, but I'd rather shut my eyes.

But I get carried away with every phrase and made up malady

Here is the pastor talking about the incident the next day:


I showed it to my dad. He said, "Well, I can't feel too sorry for him. He deserved it. He was acting all cocky. He should have just let them search his car. Plus, he didn't listen when they told him to get out."
"But he has a right to say no. He has a right to deny them to search his car. Like he said, they didn't have probable cause. He doesn't have to get out of his car just because they say. And he had a right not to say anything to them."
"Yeah, but everyone has to be searched. I mean, if it was a terrorist, I wouldn't want them to get through like that. I mean, when it's a choice between him either being a terrorist or just a person, you can't take chances, especially when he's not listening."

So basically, because everyone has the possibility of being a terrorist, everyone should give up their rights. I mean Jesus Christ. Really? Just because he should have just let them search, doesn't mean he has to, and that doesn't mean he needs to be put under arrest, denied his rights, tazed repeatedly, and then beaten in the face.



It's people like my dad who are the real reason that terrorists have won. There aren't even any fucking terrorists. I hate to go on the whole conspiracy rant, but come on. If there were terrorists like Big Brother talks about all of the time, 9/11 wouldn't have been the first and last event. We're not so great as to be invincible out of fear.

I could be an accident but I'm still trying. That's more than I can say for him.

I told my dad this morning that if Ronda isn't gone by next weekend, I will be.
I'm tired of her still being here, and him not doing anything about it. He says that he talks to her and that she'll be "getting out of here soon" but for god's sake, he's going to buy her a birthday cake and a gift and give her the whole she-bang.

I just figured that if anything's going to motivate him to actually do something, it'd be losing me.
But who knows, I could be wrong.


Either way, if this doesn't work, on the last day of school, I'm getting as many people as I can to move her stuff out of the house. She's had her fucking warnings, and she's been asked nicely. Now, there will be no formalities.

Everything is wonderful now.

Enough said.


















I have a lion ring :)
I splurged, if you can really call it that. It was only $7, but I wasn't supposed to buy anything at all. (I bought two). He still doesn't know.

The radio playing songs that I have never heard.

"You're a prince, Ackley kid," I said. "You know that?"
...
"You're a real prince. You're a gentleman and a scholar, kid."

......
I didn't want to hang around in that stupid atmosphere any more. I stopped on the way, though, and picked up Ackley's hand, and give him a big, phony handshake. He pulled it away from me. "What's the idea?" he said.
"No idea. I just want to thank you for being such a goddamn prince, that's all." I said. I said it in this very sincere voice. "You're aces, Ackley kid," I said. "You know that?"

LOOK AT THIS FUCKING HIPSTER:

It's my life, by me this time. My pesticide, slow to kill your dreams.

I don't know what it was. Something got me thinking about a book that I read in V's class once. I don't remember what it was called, or really what it was even about. I just remember that the main character explained that he used to be married, and had a daughter. The marriage was falling apart, but both of them held on because of their daughter. When the girl's 6th birthday rolled around, he wanted to throw her the greatest birthday ever, and she went around at school telling everyone about how her birthday is going to be the best. She invited all of them to the party. And the man, bought her a kitten because she said that she always wanted a cat. So the day of her birthday, the man woke up and got the kitten to surprise his daughter when she woke up. He went into her room and shook her, but she didn't wake up. She had died in the middle of the night of a brain aneurysm. I remember that the man described feeling sad, but was not very sad because it was instant. There was no pain. She was asleep, dreaming of the best birthday she would ever have, and then her life simply drifted off.

I don't remember what happened to that kitten. And needless to say, the marriage fell apart. Nothing else of that book comes back to me, though. I do recall that the book in itself was not a very sad book, just that part of it.



Listen, love. I did have fun with you today. We worked outside, and made lunch together, and then we got to just sleep over here. I really did have fun. And I'm sorry I wasn't the happiest. It was mostly my fault. There was something that I really wanted to do, but I didn't want to have to ask for it. And then time kept slipping by, and soon enough there wasn't any left at all, and I guess I was just upset that I couldn't just ask you for it, or that you didn't just get the hint yourself. I just figured that you'd want to, I mean, you were upset yesterday because you said you had a sexy girlfriend that you "can't do anything with."


I hate being upset with you. It makes me feel terrible, and I can't imagine how it makes you feel. And it feels like I just keep getting mad at you all of the time lately, and I'm sorry. I'm not. I really love you a lot, and you know that. Everything is just so different from last year and I don't like it.



I'm really sorry. Pinky-swears that we won't be so angry anymore?

I need the smell of summer, I need its noises in my ear

Apparently I left my iPod on. I went to go get it to try and remember the words that I wanted to use for my title. The song that I needed had just started playing on my iPod when I put the earbuds in. I've noticed that I have some strange coordination with electronics. Usually it's just my phone.
For example, I will be about to pick up the phone and the person I would have called will either text or call me. Or, I will start a text and get one from the person. Or, I will call or text them just as they were about to. The weirdest one, is that EVERY time I go to Jil's house, her girlfriend calls no more than half an hour later.
I guess I just have a sixth sense about these things.


In other news, I'm thinking that I have a problem with cluttering. It's like stuttering, kind of. I've noticed that I have trouble saying the right words when I'm speaking. I often mix a word or two together or say something completely different than what I meant. And it's not limited to my speech anymore. It used to be just when I spoke, but in the last few weeks, I've noticed that I can't write cohesively anymore either. I tried to write a letter to Carl and I couldn't write while I was thinking, and when I wasn't thinking, I wouldn't write what I meant to say, and for most of the words, I kept spelling them wrong, repeatedly. I've been doing that while typing this too. There's much more to cluttering than just that, but I don't have those problems. I can comprehend language, reading or writing, I just can't communicate in return very well.

"Spoonerisms, malapropisms, and Freudian slips are examples of cluttering. Stuttering as a common term often refers to the speech disorder of cluttering, rather than to the speech disorder of stuttering. Cluttered speech is exhibited by normal speakers, and is often referred to as stuttering--this is especially true when the speaker is nervous, where nervous speech more closely resembles cluttering than stuttering.

Cluttering is sometimes confused with stuttering. However, while stuttering is most often analyzed as a speech disorder, cluttering is a language disorder. In other words, a stutterer has a coherent pattern of thoughts, but can't say it; in contrast, a clutterer has no problem putting thoughts into words, but those thoughts become disorganized during speaking. Cluttering not only affects speech, but affects thought patterns, writing, typing, and conversation.

Stutterers are usually dysfluent on initial sounds, when beginning to speak, and become more fluent towards the ends of utterances. In contrast, clutterers are most clear at the start of utterances, but their speaking rate increases and intelligibility decreases towards the end of utterances.

Stuttering is characterized by struggle behavior, such as overtense speech production muscles. Cluttering, in contrast, is effortless.

Cluttering is also characterized by slurred speech, especially dropped or distorted /r/ and /l/ sounds; and monotone speech that starts loud and trails off into a murmur.

Clutterers often also have reading and writing disorders, especially sprawling, disorderly handwriting, which poorly integrate ideas and space."

"It feels like 1) about twenty thoughts explode on my mind all at once, and I need to express them all, 2) that when I'm trying to make a point, that I just remembered something that I was supposed to say, so the person can understand, and I need to interrupt myself to say something that I should have said before, and 3) that I need to constantly revise the sentences that I'm working on, to get it out right."