"We are defined by the choices we make."

D: can u stimulate me?
Me: what kind of stimulation are we talking about?
D: the kind that helps me alot. lol
no seriousely thoughhh
Me: hmm. well a lot of things have happened. and i don't know
it sort of changes things on my end
probably not
D: whats happened?
whats wrong
Me: complications have happened
D: such as?
Me: i realized that i don't want to lose anything that i have
D: oh
Me: and many things jeopardize that
and in a sense, that makes me a little dull, and a tad selfish
but if i can be happy for as long as possible, i think it's worth it
D: so
in that case u cant pleasure a friend lol
Me: no
like i said
unless it was absolutely necessary
because as much trouble as it would cause
i would feel worse if i were to lose that friend
because of something i didn't do
D: i c
i understand
don't worry about it
i would never ask that of u no matter how bad i was feeling
i just wanted to see ur answer

i take it back, i take it all back now (not really)

Paralyzed by the same old antics
Back and forth like some walking spastic
How could a fistfight be romantic?
Thinking back now will you ever feel the same?


dear mom,

i'm going to live with dad. sorry. if you don't like it, well, there's not much you can do about it. i have the choice, and your not it. it's not like i'm ever here anyway. besides, one less mouth to feed, right? (not that you ever had food anyway). i'll get all of the things i'll need out of my room, and i'll see you next weekend. or after school sometimes.

bye. i can't say it was good.

I've heard a million lullabies, but this one's true

25-4-08:
Friday

"Silent for Lawrence King:
Please understand my reasons for not speaking today. I am participating in the Day of Silence (DOS), a national youth movement bringing attention to the silence faced by lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people and their allies. My deliberate silence echoes that silence, which is caused by anti-LGBT name-calling, bullying and harassment. This year’s DOS is held in memory of Lawrence King, a 15 year-old student who was killed in school because of his sexual orientation and gender expression. I believe that ending the silence is the first step toward building awareness and making a commitment to address these injustices. Think about the voices you are not hearing today."

I can't wait when we're out of time

Sounds of silence never lasts
This home's under attack
I fight the tears but I can't hold back
I watch it fall apart
I'm slipping through the cracks
Can someone tell me what I'm fighting for?

It takes more than words to win this war when there's no one left to hear
And it takes more than words to win this war when there's no one left who cares

Trust was broken with a kiss
This lying won't be missed
I've tried so hard but I can't forget
I watched it fall apart
Now there's nothing left to fix
Can someone tell me what I'm fighting for?

It takes more than words to win this war when there's no one left to hear
And it takes more than words to win this war when there's no one left who cares

I can't stay in this house of lies
I can't change this to make things right
I can't wait when we're out of time
I can't stay here tonight

It takes more than words to win this war when there's no one left to hear
And it takes more than words to win this war when there's no one left who cares for us

-MH

he tried to save the calendar business

oh how it's been so long. we're so sorry we've been gone. been deathly ill. it happens. but you don't have to worry because we're still the same band. i'm sure you'll get over me not posting for a few days. (but i know, it's just the end of the world.)

allow me to exaggerate a memory or two:
lord of the rings is on. i've honestly never seen it before. ever.
(and the best part is:

i don't really care to.)
i'm really enjoying leopard :)
diggin' it i suppose if i want to be so bold. it's all fancy and colorful and simple. not that it wasn't simple before. but it's way more simple. like, even my technologically retarded father understands it (somewhat. i'm still working with him).
so last night, carl came over, with plans to watch his Slipknot dvd (which of course we never ended up doing) we went to evran's instead. but it was fun there. we "watched" dan in real life. which involved half of the room holding a conversation and the other half trying to watch it. there was absolutely no PDA at all, so that was kind of a bummer. although, we didn't really listen to that rule well. i can't remember the last time i had a night like that. where we were just there to have fun and that was it. pure, sober fun. it was refreshing. i miss it.

i miss simplicity. i miss carefree living. i miss peacefulness. i miss placidity. i miss the chaos that comes from trying so hard to look your best, only to have those plans shattered and end up at home all day anyway. i miss being able to lay in bed all day knowing you have important things to do. i miss spontaneously making plans. i miss misbehaving. i miss summer. i miss you. i missed your skin when you were east.

summer can't come fast enough. i don't think i can handle waiting 9 more weeks.

Two roads...

...split off from here and my life goes running in opposite directions. Exaggerating the barrier between who I am and who I want to be. I wanted to be that breath of fresh air, when everything smelled so insincere. But this taste still lingers in my mouth; deceit has ways of sticking around. And I'm ready to disappear. Vacation seems far, seems far from here.

Note to self: I miss you terribly. This is what we call a tragedy. Come back to me, come back to me, to me.

I can feel my mind wandering again. Into where I don't know. And will I ever get home? Time starts moving faster than I can. And I'm sick of this scene, I need a break from routine. Which part of me is lost? I feel so close, and yet I am so far. Which part of me is lost? I feel so close, and yet I am so...far!

Given the chance I woud happily dance on the grave of the one who shows no remorse

so much to say in so little time...
(tick, tock, tick, tock...)

it's running out a lot faster, but moving slower, if that makes any sense to any of you. but i'm sure there's someone out there who knows what i mean.

how many fingers do you see? when you look beyond what is there, how many fingers do you see?
i love Patch Adams. go watch it if you've never seen it. just one thing, isn't robin's character a little old for her? gesundheit (8)

*subliminal messaging* *incoherency*

back to the point-

-y end of the pencil,

3 hours at chelsea's house. her mom is quite deviously crafty. if she hadn't told her mom about telling me about the spare key, it probably wouldn't have happened the way it did. i'm glad it was a nice day out though. well, nice enough for me. pretty dreary for most of you. it was pretty creepy how no one in the neighborhood was outside save for me. so, straight away, jumping in her car. no time for even hello. which isn't true. it was said. but not formally. the flower, the smiting; who are you again? I AM FROM STEVENSON. gummies. so many gummies. who counted 10? we only bought $9, tax and such (tax doesn't exist on food). bagbreakage, watermelons are barely edible in the weather. 30 minutes, 1 hour, 2. her bike is still there. i'll get it another day. the rain was atrocious, but pleasant. oh, my hair! how vain. fuck hair. fuck you. i love you. colin's aim + one way video chat = destruction. gummi fights. so many gummies... DINOSAURS, SHARKS, WORMS, BEARS, SMALL CANNIBALISTIC GUMMI CHILDREN NAMED HANNIBAL/ GASPARD. i miss her. oh! what you read about the heavy metal monster was not a lie. taste = shit. more specifically, apple flavoured coffee. interesting, but still very shitty.

next day. liquid sunshine. technically, it's a drug. but not really. 3, count 'em, 3 energy drinks. oddly enough, all yellow. mixed, literally the color of liquid sunshine. sour cotton candy (don't ask questions. you should know by now, never ask questions), crystal light powder for an ENTIRE PITCHER in one glass. lemon juice? yes. nyquil? yes. sugar and fuck. for lack of better words, sugar and fuck. highly addicting surprisingly (not that way you sillies). tylenol? aspirin? also yes. does the level of liquid seem to be going up each time we make a new batch? there was wendy's. chicken nuggets. 5 piece x 2 = 10 pieces. with salt. twice. before and after. there was no money wasted on shit we don't need (for once). there was no iron man though... or rockstar. ENERGADE? it was too blustery. being pushed back an inch for every foot. hello mrs. katie's mom *slowly hides the fact that we were mixing drugs into beverages* the o.c.? really? yes. kama sutra and not-just-annoying-girl-but-now-raunchy-sex-girl-who-is-still-very-annoying girl (that was hard to type). wonderful song though. what's the name? musicing, snowglobing (or lackthereof), pictures... IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE I SWEAR! WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING I PROMISE!

i made a mix cd of entirely piano songs to help me fall asleep. i didn't make it past song #2. didn't wake up until 5:30, but talked myself, or rather my stuffed bear into getting out of bed and taking a shower. late starts are a godsend, but a bitch. i like carl, but i like sleep too, and i'm sure he could have used it. sorry, but you don't need sleeping aid to fall asleep. it will be hard at first, but it progresses over time. besides, i'm an insomniac, your "too little sleep" is my "too much sleep," sorry i can't really sympathize.

i will not hit you. i could never, just like you could never hit me. it's the same thing no matter how you rationalize it. i love you. it would hurt me more to hurt you.

forging my own path is hard, but i can do it. and i will. i don't worry about my future. you shouldn't either. come what may, this is only the beginning.