Dec 31, 2008

76 inches and 88 keys to get me where I want to be

MTV Networks may pull these channels from your lineup on January 1st:

Nickelodeon/Nick at Nite
MTV
VH1
Spike
TV Land
Comedy Central
Noggin
MTV2
VH1 Classic
Nicktoons
The N
Palladia HD


"We are negotiating earnestly, honestly and fairly with MTV Networks, but so far have been unable to reach an agreement or get an extension."


It's funny how they didn't mention this until day of. And also how there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. 2009 is really off to a big start isn't it?













At least my boy comes home tomorrow.

Dec 29, 2008

How can I make it through all the things you do?

I miss him. More than I think he could ever understand.
I've been having a lot of nightmares since he left. He needs to come home soon.

edit; Is it sad that I've called his phone 20 times, just to hear his voice message?

I feel bad though because his gift won't be here in time. I won't get the card until tomorrow or even until the day after, so I won't be able to buy it until then. Then of course it has to ship and that might take a week in and of itself. And I also feel bad because he won't actually have anything to show his parents and so to them, it will seem like I didn't buy him anything at all. I should probably get him something else then too :/







I still need to talk to his mom about going to pick him up at the airport.
I'll do that tomorrow.

Dec 26, 2008

She keeps on working for that minimum (as if a high school education gave you any other options, you know)

My boyfriend is gone, so I have no one to impress
and due to things I cannot describe to you, I have zero pants.











I'm trying the exhibitionist look today.








Yeah. Put that image in your brain.






...I will also be at my mom's for a period of time (possibly for the next week; I never know). I'm assuming there will be pants there.

Dec 25, 2008

So Merry Christmas everyone, and have a happy New Year

...right. That will totally happen. Here's what I got for Christmas this year:

  • 3-in-1 cotton set (a bunch of Q-tips and cotton balls)
  • Pure Silk shaving cream
  • Kwik 3 disposable razors (with TRIPLE BLADE TECHNOLOGY!1!!)
  • A 4 piece manicure set (ANOTHER set of nail clippers [probably the 5th one I've gotten for my birthdays and christmases combined], trimming scissors, a nail file, and some other useless metal thing)
  • a plastic hairbrush filled with ponytails (that I'll definitely use because I put my hair up oh so often)
  • MORE PONYTAILS (it's like a dream come true, honestly)
  • EVEN MORE PONYTAILS!!!1!!1
  • 2, count 'em, TWO, toothbrushes (because that one I just got about a week ago obviously needs to be replaced)
  • A 12 pack of Christmas pencils!
  • A can of hairspray (that I get every single year, even though I NEVER EVER USE HAIRSPRAY OR ANYTHING LIKE IT THAT WOULD CONVINCE ANYONE THAT I DO)
  • A travel bottle of shampoo (because we don't have a closet full of regular shampoo that I could, and do, use EVERY FUCKING DAY OF MY LIFE)
  • Vanilla and honey hand lotion (which smells more like ass)
  • Clear, gold, and purple glittery nail polish
And that was all from Ronda. My dad knows me a little better. He got me a calendar, but it's a South Park calendar, so that makes up for it. Besides, I could use a new one. Plus, he bought me clothes and stuff and he's getting me that Visa card.
My older sister got me a tote bag thing from the Disney store. It's the Nightmare Before Christmas, but I already have 3 other bags that I barely use.
In total, I have $70 from my grandparents and godparents and from Carl, which is going toward his gift.
But, the best present, I got last. This one was completely a surprise. Ronda bought me a shirt, and guess what! It's pink. And 2 sizes too big.


It's everything I always wanted.



What happened to this being a great Christmas for once in my life? He broke his promise twice to me this year. And I didn't see him last year either. And now he'll be gone for a week when I hardly saw him at all these last few days. Just when something was actually important to me, everything falls apart.

Dec 24, 2008

I'm sorry already. I hate getting mad at you. I feel like the worst person in the world. You don't deserve it. It's not your fault, in any way. And I know you're trying hard and that your schedule isn't the greatest. Besides, you do a lot for me, and I don't deserve any of it for getting mad at you over something this ridiculous.





I'm sorry. I love you. Can I make it up to you? And, feel better please?

Do you lock yourself in your room with the radio on, turned up so loud that no one hears you screaming?

Do you ever get that feeling where you're on the edge between completely pissed off and about to fall apart because every time you make plans with your boyfriend over any sort of holiday, it falls through, and though it's not really his or your fault and he's REALLY sorry, but it still feels like you've been stabbed through the heart? And you just feel really antisocial because it feels sort of like you keep getting rejected by the one person that you really care about, so it puts you off from doing anything fun with anyone else?


Hmm, maybe that's just me.






I'm not sure if I want to go to my Mom's house tonight. I'm supposed to go to my sister's tomorrow because they're sick today too. But there's a slight possibility that I can go to his house in the afternoon, and if I can, I won't be able to if I'm at my sister's. But you know, I DON'T WANT TO GET MY HOPES UP so I'm not absolutely CRUSHED if it doesn't work out, again.

And I know I'm going to feel bad about this later because I know it's going to kill him when he reads this, but I can't just sit here and take it this time.

Dec 21, 2008

The truth hurts worse than anything I could bring myself to do to you

I just got in a 27 comment argument with Derek Andres on Cassie's status on Facebook about The Used. I think I won. And now I'm tired.

I missed my boy a lot today :'(
I know I'm a bit selfish, but I want him here with me now. I don't want to wait for tomorrow. He's probably not going to see this for days.

Dec 20, 2008

I could sleep when I lived alone. Is there a ghost in my house?

Those are all of the words in that song. It's repeated about 928457948752 times, but it's still good.

Ok, This banana tastes like ass. I just finished off a bag of toasted coconut marshmallows. There are strange people in my house who got stuck outside in the street. I'm about to go with Carl to curling. I saw the presents I'm going to be getting from Ronda this year. Do you know anything about me at all? I mean, from all of the years you've lived in our house, do you really know anything about me? Apparently because I have a sense of personal hygiene, it must mean that I want glittery nail polish, shaving cream, disposable razors and a package of Q-tips for Christmas. Seriously? Fucking ridiculous. Tomorrow I'm debating going to my grandma's for the Christmas party. Carl can't come to that, so the entire time I'll just be disappointed because I told everyone at Thanksgiving that he was going to come to Christmas, so when he's not there everyone's going to bring it up. But if I don't go to that, I will have to go to my mom's house and bake and frost cookies with them, that we were supposed to do on Monday with Carl because that was another thing he denied me this year, and apparently my happiness comes far below what my mother wants to do because she said that she can't have her life revolve around me and Carl and that we're frosting cookies while my uncle is in town.
How many times in his life has my uncle frosted cookies, and with her especially? And how many times has Carl frosted cookies with me ever? Plus, I doubt he's going to be in town just for tomorrow. But of course, she can't postpone it one more day. We HAVE to do it tomorrow.


She called me today just to tell me that we have to frost cookies tomorrow and then she's like, "Can't Carl come tomorrow instead?"

NO. THAT'S WHY I TOLD YOU SEVEN TIMES BEFORE THAT WE SHOULD DO IT ON MONDAY.

"Well what is he doing on Sunday that's so important?"

HE HAS TO GO TO KALAMAZOO TO SEE HIS GRANDPARENTS FOR CHRISTMAS.

"Oh, well, sorry, I guess you'll just have to do it with him next year. Or you know what, why don't we just save you a dozen cookies and you can still do it on Monday"

YEAH. IT WILL BE EXACTLY THE SAME. EXCEPT FOR THE PART WHERE I'M PISSED OFF BECAUSE WE'RE FROSTING ONLY A DOZEN COOKIES BY OURSELVES.


And then she talked for 5 minutes straight, saying absolutely nothing, and of course, just yelling into the phone. I held it about a foot away from my ear and I could still hear every word.

And she wonders why I hate her so much.
This holiday break is going to be the BEST EVER.

Dec 16, 2008

So give me something to believe

I forgot to return the crew shirt I borrowed. I might stick around for the choir concert tomorrow even though I'm not signed up for it. My sister's in it, my boyfriend's working it, why the hell not? Gregory won't mind, I know.


I waited about half an hour for my dad to pick me up because of the road. We spun out nearly 3 times, and he has a stick shift. Plus, because of Mme. Jenkins, I MUST have an angel food cake for tomorrow or else I'll, like, fail that class. So we had to drive to Kroger and get one.
I don't think I've ever been in a Quieter place. That parking lot was like a crypt. There were cars and people, but no one was talking and you could only hear the falling snow. Jeepers creepers. And of course, when we get in there, we couldn't find any cake, but the lady who worked there told us to check by the bread and eventually we walked away with something.

I swear to god though, if we have a snow day tomorrow, I'm kind of going to be pissed. Because we have a test on Thursday, meaning we won't do food day, and we have to perform our Christmas skits on Friday, meaning we won't do food day, meaning also at that point I'm stuck with a pointless cake. It'd be great enough not to have school and everything, but it's gonna mess some stuff up for me.


The probability of no school is pretty high because they haven't started plowing the roads yet, and they're absolutely horrible, and you know for a fact they won't plow the side streets. Plus, it will only be worse in the morning. It's supposed to snow all night. I'm certainly not going to wish for one, but I won't not wish for one either.

Dec 15, 2008

And then he ate my boy entrancers...

So, I think my sister is running out of insults. I told her to get off the computer, she said, "Fuck off. One second."
"Ok, it's been one second. Goodbye"
She said, "Dipshit, no." so I turned the computer off forcefully.
"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR YOU FUCKING... DILDO... WHO LOVES DILDOS."
"Yeah, you shit fucker, I don't have the patience for you to delete your lesbian internet porn history today. You're leaving."
"Why don't you fuck off and go suck your boyfriend's dick?"
"Why don't YOU fuck off and go suck Lindy's dick?"

-silence- *angry door slam because she doesn't know what to do after that**muffled 'fuck you dick face'*

"HOW ABOUT YOU GO BACK DOWNSTAIRS AND JUST QUIETLY TAKE IT UP THE ASS LIKE USUAL?"




Anyhow, for the brief moment that I actually had to listen to what Julie was playing on the computer, I got a taste of pure agony. Miranda Cosgrove- that annoying one from Drake&Josh and iCarly, has started a music career. My sister apparently is madly in love with her and is too blinded to realize how much she sucks. It might as well be techno with all the enhancing they did to her voice. It's atrocious, and the editor did nothing to hide it either. :P
Truly some of the worst stuff I have listened to in a very long time. My sister said, "She sings great for a 15 year old."
"... for a 15 year old lip synching at a karaoke contest for 5 year olds."

And also, my sister is trying to look badass by wearing electrical tape on her fingers and wrists and listening to Miss Murder by AFI. As if she understands anything they say other than "HEY MISS MURDER CAN I... TAKE MY LIFE! WOAH OH OOOOH. *sniffle* She also said that Davey Havok was ugly because he wore glitter.

She really needs to go. I would rather have her leave than Ronda.



"Life's not fair, is it?"

Dec 13, 2008

Secret heart, what are you made of?




edit; I have a cell phone again! 734-383-9010 (same number)

I'll be gone most of the day.

Dec 11, 2008

Some things are better left alone

Are you gonna be a ghost for Quite some time?




You barely or don't talk to me when you see me. It's clear that you prefer pretty much everyone else's company to mine. I don't know what's going on anymore and I'm tired.

Dec 10, 2008

Fate fell short this time

I fell asleep at 6 yesterday. I woke up at 7:30 only because I had an alarm set so that I could eat dinner. When I finished that, I went back to sleep and got up at 5:30, and it was really hard to do that. The only times I woke up out of that coma was because my arm went numb because I was so dead that I didn't roll over.

I have nothing done, but I'm glad I really didn't have anything that needed to be.




This needs to stop.

Dec 5, 2008

You'll be alone this holiday

He can't come. I can't say I'm not disappointed; it definitely hurts, but I'm feeling better about it. I wrote him everything that I needed to say and the darkness is gone now. I'll be spending this weekend with Carl and his family setting up their Christmas stuff. It's no substitute, but it will keep my mind off of things.

I've lived up to the "I don't care" standard I had set for myself. It's nice to be able to get dressed in the morning in under 5 minutes. I can still feel confident about not wearing make up (though I still prefer it). I can pretty much do whatever the hell I feel like doing and people have noticed. They don't Question me anymore.

The bruise is going away nicely. I've got a follow up on Monday I think.

Sometimes I wish I had an ulterior motive to things. I want to be a little less obvious.

I've been ignored a lot lately, I've noticed.

Chem is Quickly becoming my favorite class.

I'm starting to accept that I'm lactose-intolerant. I can't even eat cheese or yogurt anymore really, though things like mac & cheese and cheese noodles don't bother me. This really narrows that list of foods that I will actually eat.

Supposedly I've charged my dad $130 on iTunes even though I've downloaded 24 songs total in the entirety of the time I've ever used it. Everything else I get for free.

We're so fucked for Christmas. We have no money, as in zero. The paycheck goes immediately into bills and food. I'm refusing to take anymore money from my dad until the income tax check in February. We may have to buy presents the days after Christmas when I get money from everyone else.


I've been sleeping a lot lately. Hibernating I would say. I come home and crash about an hour or two afterward, wake up and eat and then I'll go straight back to bed and wake up the next morning for school. I'm not sure it's healthy although Carl says I'm fine. I was never like this before. I can't help but think it's from that birth control. Besides, it's not like I feel rested when I wake up either. I feel like I could pass out again.



Things feel different. I think I'm getting sick.