We've all seen the man at the liquor store beggin' for your change
The hair on his face is dirty, dreadlocked and full of mange
He ask the man for what he could spare with shame in his eyes
"Get a job you fuckin' slob" is all he replied
God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in his shoes
'Cause then you really might know what it's like to sing the blues
Then you really might know what it's like
Mary got pregnant from a kid named Tom who said he was in love
He said, "Don't worry about a thing baby doll, I'm the man you've been dreamin' of"
But three months later he say he won't date her or return her call
And she swears, "God damn if I find that man I'm cuttin' off his balls"
And then she heads for the clinic and she gets some static walkin' through the doors
They call her a killer, and they call her a sinner, and they call her a whore
God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in her shoes
'Cause then you really might know what it's like to have to choose
Then you really might know what it's like
I've seen a rich man beg
I've seen a good man sin
I've seen a tough man cry
I've seen a loser win
And a sad man grin
I've heard an honest man lie
I've seen the good side of bad
And the down side of up
And everything between
I licked the silver spoon
Drank from the golden cup
Smoked the finest green
I stroked the baddest dimes at least a couple of times
Before I broke their heart
You know where it ends
Yo, it usually depends on where you start
I knew this kid named Max
He used to get fat stacks out on the corner with drugs
He liked to hang out late
He liked to get shit faced and keep pace with thugs
Until late one night there was a big gun fight and Max lost his head
He pulled out his chrome .45, talked some shit, and wound up dead
Now his wife and his kids are caught in the midst of all of this pain
You know it crumbles that way
At least that's what they say when you play the game
God forbid you ever had to wake up to hear the news
'Cause then you really might know what it's like to have to lose
Then you really might know what it's like
To have to lose...
Jun 29, 2008
Jun 27, 2008
Magpie, I am lost amongst the hinterland
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
Don't try to tell me any different, it was ALL my fault.
Don't try to tell me any different, it was ALL my fault.
Jun 22, 2008
"I AM A BANANA."
*sigh*
Broken record alert: I feel like I have nothing much to say lately. I would say I've lost my words, so-to-speak, but I know that's not true. I've been churning out long-winded piece after long-winded piece, and I still don't feel like it's enough. So, I haven't lost inspiration, I've just lost interest in gossip. Which, I know, shocker, right? Andrea not talking about someone else? It's unbelievable! But it's true. I suppose, just hanging out with all of these different people lately, and still having so much time to myself I just have a little more perspective, and perhaps respect, for everyone.
Not that you might remember (I'm surprised I did), but the other day (while you were... not yourself) you asked me what I thought of you. And I thought. Long and hard (as hard as I could really do, considering), and I honestly didn't think anything of you. Which took me aback. I couldn't blame you for the things you've done (or were doing). Nor could I say that things would've been different if I was in your situation. Frankly, I felt like you were just another person on the street. I didn't have an opinion of you, or of anyone else. I was there, with you, and so many other people that I knew, and yet, you were all strangers. Albeit, we had fun, but there was something different about it. We weren't friends having fun, we were both just there on coincidence. I don't really know how to describe it, but it was like looking at everyone from the outside-in. And I still am. It's strange because, I don't see you as familiar, but I don't see you as strangers. Everyone just sort of is.
But I understand things I didn't before. I understand the way people behave, and I understand the way people think, and I understand the way people exist. I feel like I've taken a step back from everything and let it all sink in.
Like I said, I have a new perspective and respect for everything lately.
For example, when I was incapacitated in your bathroom, in my vague recollection of events, there is one moment that stood out. Don, of all people, practically carried me to your couch. He covered me up, he got me some aspirin, and made sure I was really OK. I almost couldn't believe it myself. Perhaps my being there earned his respect, or maybe he just had a good conscience, but he helped me. I feel almost like a jerk. I didn't have a good head about me, and considering our previous relationship, the only thing I could do was make fun of him for it. I jested at him for taking the measures to cover me up and how he was acting like my mom.
When I woke up and remembered all of the things that had happened, I felt bad because I realized that he was probably used to that kind of thing. I mean, he's probably seen a lot of people get sick, and I'm sure he's been one of them. And for him to do that gave me a new frame of mind. It gave me more respect for him. But he left before I could thank him.
Broken record alert: I feel like I have nothing much to say lately. I would say I've lost my words, so-to-speak, but I know that's not true. I've been churning out long-winded piece after long-winded piece, and I still don't feel like it's enough. So, I haven't lost inspiration, I've just lost interest in gossip. Which, I know, shocker, right? Andrea not talking about someone else? It's unbelievable! But it's true. I suppose, just hanging out with all of these different people lately, and still having so much time to myself I just have a little more perspective, and perhaps respect, for everyone.
Not that you might remember (I'm surprised I did), but the other day (while you were... not yourself) you asked me what I thought of you. And I thought. Long and hard (as hard as I could really do, considering), and I honestly didn't think anything of you. Which took me aback. I couldn't blame you for the things you've done (or were doing). Nor could I say that things would've been different if I was in your situation. Frankly, I felt like you were just another person on the street. I didn't have an opinion of you, or of anyone else. I was there, with you, and so many other people that I knew, and yet, you were all strangers. Albeit, we had fun, but there was something different about it. We weren't friends having fun, we were both just there on coincidence. I don't really know how to describe it, but it was like looking at everyone from the outside-in. And I still am. It's strange because, I don't see you as familiar, but I don't see you as strangers. Everyone just sort of is.
But I understand things I didn't before. I understand the way people behave, and I understand the way people think, and I understand the way people exist. I feel like I've taken a step back from everything and let it all sink in.
Like I said, I have a new perspective and respect for everything lately.
For example, when I was incapacitated in your bathroom, in my vague recollection of events, there is one moment that stood out. Don, of all people, practically carried me to your couch. He covered me up, he got me some aspirin, and made sure I was really OK. I almost couldn't believe it myself. Perhaps my being there earned his respect, or maybe he just had a good conscience, but he helped me. I feel almost like a jerk. I didn't have a good head about me, and considering our previous relationship, the only thing I could do was make fun of him for it. I jested at him for taking the measures to cover me up and how he was acting like my mom.
When I woke up and remembered all of the things that had happened, I felt bad because I realized that he was probably used to that kind of thing. I mean, he's probably seen a lot of people get sick, and I'm sure he's been one of them. And for him to do that gave me a new frame of mind. It gave me more respect for him. But he left before I could thank him.
Jun 19, 2008
I HAVE NO TITLE FOR THIS ONE BECAUSE I'M LACKING MUSICAL INSPIRATION.
Here's how I broke it down:
Basically, I have 7 days to get $30-40.
Then (optionally, but preferably) after that, I have 3 days to get another $10-20.
AND THEN I have 11 days to get ANOTHER $30-40.
Between now and next Thursday, I have to figure out how to get, at a minimum, $30 PLUS $22 for the actual spree wristband.
Then, considering I probably won't even go to the fireworks at the spree given the circumstances, I shouldn't have to worry about the $10-20. But if in fact I do, I will need, at a minimum, $10 PLUS another $22 for the spree wristband that day too.
Afterwards, knowing for a fact that I will be going to the fireworks 12 days later, I will have to get that $30-40 and somehow not let my parents catch on to what exactly me and carl are doing.
And I would probably just ask my dad for all of it, but he's soon to be cashed out, and after this whole therapy stint that my mother is pulling, he's running low a little faster, and my sister is gonna need money for the spree as well.
I don't know how the hell I'm gonna pull this off. I'll assume I'm not going sunday for the fireworks, and that also, i'm not going to ride rides. Which still leaves me needing ($30+22+40=) $92. GODDAMN.
My mom is going to give me money for 7/11 but, it won't help me when we're like 15 miles away. I'm pretty sure he won't be willing to drive out all that way.
:/
Basically, I have 7 days to get $30-40.
Then (optionally, but preferably) after that, I have 3 days to get another $10-20.
AND THEN I have 11 days to get ANOTHER $30-40.
Between now and next Thursday, I have to figure out how to get, at a minimum, $30 PLUS $22 for the actual spree wristband.
Then, considering I probably won't even go to the fireworks at the spree given the circumstances, I shouldn't have to worry about the $10-20. But if in fact I do, I will need, at a minimum, $10 PLUS another $22 for the spree wristband that day too.
Afterwards, knowing for a fact that I will be going to the fireworks 12 days later, I will have to get that $30-40 and somehow not let my parents catch on to what exactly me and carl are doing.
And I would probably just ask my dad for all of it, but he's soon to be cashed out, and after this whole therapy stint that my mother is pulling, he's running low a little faster, and my sister is gonna need money for the spree as well.
I don't know how the hell I'm gonna pull this off. I'll assume I'm not going sunday for the fireworks, and that also, i'm not going to ride rides. Which still leaves me needing ($30+22+40=) $92. GODDAMN.
My mom is going to give me money for 7/11 but, it won't help me when we're like 15 miles away. I'm pretty sure he won't be willing to drive out all that way.
:/
Jun 17, 2008
Der Ritt auf dem Schmetterling
Temptation. Temptation. Temptation. Temptation. Temptation.
On a lighter note (or perhaps heavier?)
It's been decided that we're going to the drive-in on Wednesday.
It's been decided that we're going to the drive-in on Wednesday.
Jun 16, 2008
I wish that you would just leave, because your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone.
MOM YOU ARE NOT HELPING ANYTHING.
YOU THINK THAT YOU NEED TO HELP, BUT BELIEVE ME, THE WAY YOU'RE GOING ABOUT IT IS JUST GOING TO MAKE THINGS WORSE.
DID YOU EVER THINK THAT THERE MIGHT BE A REASON THAT I NEVER WANT TO GO TO YOUR HOUSE?
(it's because your a fat ugly BITCH)
Happiness level: 48%
YOU THINK THAT YOU NEED TO HELP, BUT BELIEVE ME, THE WAY YOU'RE GOING ABOUT IT IS JUST GOING TO MAKE THINGS WORSE.
DID YOU EVER THINK THAT THERE MIGHT BE A REASON THAT I NEVER WANT TO GO TO YOUR HOUSE?
(it's because your a fat ugly BITCH)
Happiness level: 48%
Jun 13, 2008
I'm on the verge of self destruction
After probably 2 or 3 weeks, my mom finally noticed my arm today.
"Are you depressed or something?"
"No, actually I'm feeling just fine."
"So what makes you do these kinds of things? What makes you want to carve up your arm?"
"YOU,"
...I thought
"Myself. When I don't like myself." I said.
"Why don't you talk to me instead? Why don't you tell me when you're not feeling very happy?"
"Because..."
Why should I? I would say you can't relate, but I know that's a lie. I know perfectly well that you know what it's like to be in my shoes. But what are the chances that you will understand, and most of all ACCEPT, the things that I do and the things that happen around me?
Because I'm sure she'll understand when I tell her that I'm pissed off because my drug dealer isn't coming through for me recently or that I can't find ways to get money to buy condoms and other things. Or that I'm feeling deprived because I haven't had sex in a while.
I'm sure she'll be just fine with that.
She keeps threatening me that she'll send me to a therapist. I know there's not a chance it will happen; They tried to send my sister to one. They only went to one session. But you know, I'm not going to let this get me down, because for once, I'm finally and completely happy. But if she keeps going the way she does, I'm going to fucking explode.
And I feel sorry for all of you because you guys are probably going to be the ones to get it. Or at least the after effects.
"Are you depressed or something?"
"No, actually I'm feeling just fine."
"So what makes you do these kinds of things? What makes you want to carve up your arm?"
"YOU,"
...I thought
"Myself. When I don't like myself." I said.
"Why don't you talk to me instead? Why don't you tell me when you're not feeling very happy?"
"Because..."
Why should I? I would say you can't relate, but I know that's a lie. I know perfectly well that you know what it's like to be in my shoes. But what are the chances that you will understand, and most of all ACCEPT, the things that I do and the things that happen around me?
Because I'm sure she'll understand when I tell her that I'm pissed off because my drug dealer isn't coming through for me recently or that I can't find ways to get money to buy condoms and other things. Or that I'm feeling deprived because I haven't had sex in a while.
I'm sure she'll be just fine with that.
She keeps threatening me that she'll send me to a therapist. I know there's not a chance it will happen; They tried to send my sister to one. They only went to one session. But you know, I'm not going to let this get me down, because for once, I'm finally and completely happy. But if she keeps going the way she does, I'm going to fucking explode.
And I feel sorry for all of you because you guys are probably going to be the ones to get it. Or at least the after effects.
Jun 7, 2008
Oh sea, your shelter. You dance between my toes. When I feel like I can't move forward, you carry me like a father.
100th post. I'm surprised it took this long to reach. I wish I had more to say to mark this occasion, but there's really not much.
I was really bored, if that counts. Chelsea woke me up to tell me she had to leave, so there wasn't much time to spend doing other things with her. So, from noon on I just spent time online. Which was again, boring. There's only so much you can do before it gets monotonous.
I decided to trim my hair. Just the front part, because it's gotten so long. I decided I'm going to trim it about 4 inches all over, completely get rid of my bangs, and then dye it a UV red. I decided I'm going to do, like, half of my head completely red and the other half just leave brown. Except that I will have a patch of red in the brown and a patch of brown in the red. Sort of like a yin yang symbol I guess. And if you don't know what a UV hair dye is, it's a color that glows under black lights. So when I'm going to all of those rave parties... :) (not that I'm going to, like, any at all). But I do have a black light in my room, so that will look cool. By the way, I plan on doing this after school lets out, so if you want to see it, you'll either have to wait and see if I'm motivated enough to take pictures. Otherwise, you won't see it unless you go to the spree.
So, I guess that's about all I have to say right now. I'm sure I'll be struck with inspiration later on tonight. I always am. Stay tuned for more ;)
je t'embrasse
I was really bored, if that counts. Chelsea woke me up to tell me she had to leave, so there wasn't much time to spend doing other things with her. So, from noon on I just spent time online. Which was again, boring. There's only so much you can do before it gets monotonous.
I decided to trim my hair. Just the front part, because it's gotten so long. I decided I'm going to trim it about 4 inches all over, completely get rid of my bangs, and then dye it a UV red. I decided I'm going to do, like, half of my head completely red and the other half just leave brown. Except that I will have a patch of red in the brown and a patch of brown in the red. Sort of like a yin yang symbol I guess. And if you don't know what a UV hair dye is, it's a color that glows under black lights. So when I'm going to all of those rave parties... :) (not that I'm going to, like, any at all). But I do have a black light in my room, so that will look cool. By the way, I plan on doing this after school lets out, so if you want to see it, you'll either have to wait and see if I'm motivated enough to take pictures. Otherwise, you won't see it unless you go to the spree.
So, I guess that's about all I have to say right now. I'm sure I'll be struck with inspiration later on tonight. I always am. Stay tuned for more ;)
je t'embrasse
Pushing my limits for your entertainment
I'm drowning in gummi bears.
My skin is peeling on my chest and leaving a dry patch of skin right above the space between my breasts so that effectively I cannot move my shoulders without painfully stretching it.
My dad found us before it tornadoed on us. Chelsea's mom showed up because she's paranoid. Then we never snuck back out because we watched what we have concluded to be THE MOST AMAZING, BEST, EPIC MOVIE EVER. Honestly and truly this time. This is it. There were lots of beautiful people. Amazing plots. Duck canes. Cripples. Thespians. Jocks. Brains. And oh, trying to bring down a drug ring from the inside out because one of the persons connected killed his ex-girlfriend. Not that you would have gotten that from my description, but it's called Brick. I'm serious this time. Watch it. I guarantee you'll love it. Plus, the main character's name is Brendan Fry. I think that's a good reason to see it.
My skin is peeling on my chest and leaving a dry patch of skin right above the space between my breasts so that effectively I cannot move my shoulders without painfully stretching it.
My dad found us before it tornadoed on us. Chelsea's mom showed up because she's paranoid. Then we never snuck back out because we watched what we have concluded to be THE MOST AMAZING, BEST, EPIC MOVIE EVER. Honestly and truly this time. This is it. There were lots of beautiful people. Amazing plots. Duck canes. Cripples. Thespians. Jocks. Brains. And oh, trying to bring down a drug ring from the inside out because one of the persons connected killed his ex-girlfriend. Not that you would have gotten that from my description, but it's called Brick. I'm serious this time. Watch it. I guarantee you'll love it. Plus, the main character's name is Brendan Fry. I think that's a good reason to see it.
Jun 6, 2008
Breathing is the hardest thing I do,
I'm not the only person in the room,
It's hard for me to feel like I'm perfect.
That was orgasmic :)
I still feel so good.
Thank you for persisting x)
My cousin showed up at my house right after you left. He came with Damico and Austin. They wanted to know if they could jump on the trampoline. And he invited me to hang out with them. Which I thought was pretty thoughtful of him. My cousin's actually really nice to me. I had fun, but it was hot. I was still a little out of it, and it looked like they were. Although I learned for certain that Bryan doesn't smoke at all anymore.
I'm not saying we're friends now or anything, but I have a feeling that Damico and Austin will look at me a little differently from now on.
It's hard for me to feel like I'm perfect.
That was orgasmic :)
I still feel so good.
Thank you for persisting x)
My cousin showed up at my house right after you left. He came with Damico and Austin. They wanted to know if they could jump on the trampoline. And he invited me to hang out with them. Which I thought was pretty thoughtful of him. My cousin's actually really nice to me. I had fun, but it was hot. I was still a little out of it, and it looked like they were. Although I learned for certain that Bryan doesn't smoke at all anymore.
I'm not saying we're friends now or anything, but I have a feeling that Damico and Austin will look at me a little differently from now on.
Jun 4, 2008
I was born in a house of glass
It's late. I have just finished, what may be the most amazing, epic, dare I say SEXY, powerpoint ever.
I have yet to finish the worksheet or the 3 pages of questions that I was supposed to turn in before it. Granted, I missed two days of school, I should have two days after the deadline to turn it in (even if that doesn't excuse the questions or the worksheet).
I need to finish the history final review if I want to get the extra credit. I need the extra credit. ALL questions must be answered or you get NOTHING. I'm half way there.
Plus, I just realized, neither of my math notebooks have any notes on variations because it was something we had learned last semester and I ripped out all of my notes from before and threw them away in frustration of the Katernator and everything she stands for. So, now I cannot possibly finish that worksheet for the review.
Life's a bitch. The inventor of high school final exams might possibly be the son.
I have yet to finish the worksheet or the 3 pages of questions that I was supposed to turn in before it. Granted, I missed two days of school, I should have two days after the deadline to turn it in (even if that doesn't excuse the questions or the worksheet).
I need to finish the history final review if I want to get the extra credit. I need the extra credit. ALL questions must be answered or you get NOTHING. I'm half way there.
Plus, I just realized, neither of my math notebooks have any notes on variations because it was something we had learned last semester and I ripped out all of my notes from before and threw them away in frustration of the Katernator and everything she stands for. So, now I cannot possibly finish that worksheet for the review.
Life's a bitch. The inventor of high school final exams might possibly be the son.
Jun 3, 2008
Mother, Is it hard to recognize me now?
Mother, why can't you recognize me?
Basically my mom bitched me out for being stupid. She keeps telling me about all of the mistakes I keep making. This wouldn't have happened if you had been at my house. Your father is way too irresponsible. Even when we were married. He let you kids get away with ANYTHING. This is why I don't want you going over there all the time. I'm a much better parent. Your father is shit. I have a superiority complex about everything. My opinion is the only one there is. She says that I won't be spending a lot of time at home. I have to stay at her house more. Even though we made a deal. Two weeks at the beginning of the month, plus the regularly assigned days. If you're going to be like this, I won't let you go over there at all. TRY AND FUCKING STOP ME. If it means living full time at my dad's house, so be it. You know, I try to make it work. I try to appease. And yet you still say it's my fault. That everything I say to you has an attitude attached. That I'm a fucking smart ass all the time. You're the one who starts arguments over NOTHING.
"You should wash your face at night and in the morning."
"Okay."
"YOU KNOW WHAT?! I'M FUCKING SICK OF YOUR ATTITUDE ALL THE TIME! ALL I EVER TRY TO DO IS HELP YOU AND GIVE YOU ADVICE AND ALL YOU EVER DO IS GIVE ME THAT FUCKING ATTITUDE. YOU BETTER KNOCK IT OFF."
"All I said was 'Okay'! God dammit! You always do that! If you want to talk about attitude, why don't you go look in the fucking mirror."
I tried to explain to her that I'm trying to prove to her and to myself that I can take care of things myself.
"Your not an adult yet. That's why I give you advice, and all you ever do is ignore it. I'm tired of your attitude that comes with it."
"I know I'm not an adult yet. But how am I supposed to get there if you keep holding me up all the time. Did you ever think that maybe your advice wasn't appreciated?"
"TOO BAD. I'm gonna tell you anyways."
"Then TOO BAD. I'm going to ignore it because I don't want to hear it."
"You know, when I'm trying to tell you things, all you have to do is just nod and say 'Okay' and move on."
"Hahaha. Let me get this straight. You just went on that whole tangent about me not listening and you're telling me that all I have to do is ignore your advice anyway?"
"No. That's not what I said."
"Yes. It is. Exactly what you said. So now, my options are: do what I want without you saying anything and me learning for myself or, ignore anything you say, do what I want regardless and learn on my own. Why can't we just cut out the middle man then?"
"You think you're so smart all the time. Well, you don't know everything."
"No. I KNOW THAT. Why don't you just shut the fuck up about that? I have not once told you that I thought I knew everything. NEVER EVEN IMPLIED IT."
"I went through this with your sister-"
"And your mom went through it with you. I'm sure you have a lot of experience. So you should know that I'm going to do it my way no matter what. I mean come on, weren't you picture perfect when you were younger? With your drugs and teenage pregnancy. I'm sure your mom could've told you every precautionary thing there is, and I bet you still would've got knocked up."
"There you go again with your fucking attitude-"
"There I go again proving my point. But I'm tired of talking about this because no matter what I say, you're always right."
"Yes. Because I'M THE MOM."
"Wow, and look at the crack job you've done at that."
I will admit, I had an attitude towards the end there. But you have no idea how pissed I was. Or maybe you do.
But, my YOUNGER sister of all people is probably the most judgmental out of any of my family. All she ever does is criticize me. It shouldn't matter. It really shouldn't. She's stupid, immature. She doesn't know anything. She has no right to speak down to me. Maybe that's it. She has no right to speak down to me. But she still does. No one stops her. Why the fuck do I care so much? She does whatever the fuck she wants and I get in trouble for being outside and getting a sunburn. And then she can sit there the whole time and make fun of me for it. Don't be surprised if I actually kill her one of these days. She should be glad I'm not abusive anymore. There have still been plenty of times where I've beaten her severely. And there have been plenty more times where I want to. I really would do it- and she'll run crying and screaming 'Mommy! Daddy! She's gonna hit me!' and I'm sure you know what happens to me. I get grounded. For not doing anything at all. Threatening her.
Let's think about this now: Lifelong verbal abuse compared to threats. Not even actually hurting her.
I'm gonna fucking kill her one of these days.
And Ronda. Where to even begin? Over-protective, over-jealous, raging alcoholic bitch. Probably the only other cause of stress in my life. All he ever does is talk about getting rid of her. She promised she was going to start rehab. She hasn't had a drink in a week. I know she'll get better. This is the 4th or 5th time he's told her she needs to go. I have a feeling he doesn't even tell her that. I have a feeling he tells her she needs to stop drinking- and that's it. What good is that going to do to an ALCOHOLIC? She can't just stop. She may be able to quit drinking for a week, but even you know that's her limit. She can never last more than a week. And all she does around the house is bitch about everything. You sit there and complain that there are so many more people you could be dating. Better, nicer people. It's your own damn fault. You're the one who won't kick her out. You're the one who can't seem to let go. Don't complain to me all the time that she's dragging you down. That she's too possessive. Do something about it. But you're not one for confrontation. You'll never do anything about it. But if you don't, I will. And you know that.
Basically my mom bitched me out for being stupid. She keeps telling me about all of the mistakes I keep making. This wouldn't have happened if you had been at my house. Your father is way too irresponsible. Even when we were married. He let you kids get away with ANYTHING. This is why I don't want you going over there all the time. I'm a much better parent. Your father is shit. I have a superiority complex about everything. My opinion is the only one there is. She says that I won't be spending a lot of time at home. I have to stay at her house more. Even though we made a deal. Two weeks at the beginning of the month, plus the regularly assigned days. If you're going to be like this, I won't let you go over there at all. TRY AND FUCKING STOP ME. If it means living full time at my dad's house, so be it. You know, I try to make it work. I try to appease. And yet you still say it's my fault. That everything I say to you has an attitude attached. That I'm a fucking smart ass all the time. You're the one who starts arguments over NOTHING.
"You should wash your face at night and in the morning."
"Okay."
"YOU KNOW WHAT?! I'M FUCKING SICK OF YOUR ATTITUDE ALL THE TIME! ALL I EVER TRY TO DO IS HELP YOU AND GIVE YOU ADVICE AND ALL YOU EVER DO IS GIVE ME THAT FUCKING ATTITUDE. YOU BETTER KNOCK IT OFF."
"All I said was 'Okay'! God dammit! You always do that! If you want to talk about attitude, why don't you go look in the fucking mirror."
I tried to explain to her that I'm trying to prove to her and to myself that I can take care of things myself.
"Your not an adult yet. That's why I give you advice, and all you ever do is ignore it. I'm tired of your attitude that comes with it."
"I know I'm not an adult yet. But how am I supposed to get there if you keep holding me up all the time. Did you ever think that maybe your advice wasn't appreciated?"
"TOO BAD. I'm gonna tell you anyways."
"Then TOO BAD. I'm going to ignore it because I don't want to hear it."
"You know, when I'm trying to tell you things, all you have to do is just nod and say 'Okay' and move on."
"Hahaha. Let me get this straight. You just went on that whole tangent about me not listening and you're telling me that all I have to do is ignore your advice anyway?"
"No. That's not what I said."
"Yes. It is. Exactly what you said. So now, my options are: do what I want without you saying anything and me learning for myself or, ignore anything you say, do what I want regardless and learn on my own. Why can't we just cut out the middle man then?"
"You think you're so smart all the time. Well, you don't know everything."
"No. I KNOW THAT. Why don't you just shut the fuck up about that? I have not once told you that I thought I knew everything. NEVER EVEN IMPLIED IT."
"I went through this with your sister-"
"And your mom went through it with you. I'm sure you have a lot of experience. So you should know that I'm going to do it my way no matter what. I mean come on, weren't you picture perfect when you were younger? With your drugs and teenage pregnancy. I'm sure your mom could've told you every precautionary thing there is, and I bet you still would've got knocked up."
"There you go again with your fucking attitude-"
"There I go again proving my point. But I'm tired of talking about this because no matter what I say, you're always right."
"Yes. Because I'M THE MOM."
"Wow, and look at the crack job you've done at that."
I will admit, I had an attitude towards the end there. But you have no idea how pissed I was. Or maybe you do.
But, my YOUNGER sister of all people is probably the most judgmental out of any of my family. All she ever does is criticize me. It shouldn't matter. It really shouldn't. She's stupid, immature. She doesn't know anything. She has no right to speak down to me. Maybe that's it. She has no right to speak down to me. But she still does. No one stops her. Why the fuck do I care so much? She does whatever the fuck she wants and I get in trouble for being outside and getting a sunburn. And then she can sit there the whole time and make fun of me for it. Don't be surprised if I actually kill her one of these days. She should be glad I'm not abusive anymore. There have still been plenty of times where I've beaten her severely. And there have been plenty more times where I want to. I really would do it- and she'll run crying and screaming 'Mommy! Daddy! She's gonna hit me!' and I'm sure you know what happens to me. I get grounded. For not doing anything at all. Threatening her.
Let's think about this now: Lifelong verbal abuse compared to threats. Not even actually hurting her.
I'm gonna fucking kill her one of these days.
And Ronda. Where to even begin? Over-protective, over-jealous, raging alcoholic bitch. Probably the only other cause of stress in my life. All he ever does is talk about getting rid of her. She promised she was going to start rehab. She hasn't had a drink in a week. I know she'll get better. This is the 4th or 5th time he's told her she needs to go. I have a feeling he doesn't even tell her that. I have a feeling he tells her she needs to stop drinking- and that's it. What good is that going to do to an ALCOHOLIC? She can't just stop. She may be able to quit drinking for a week, but even you know that's her limit. She can never last more than a week. And all she does around the house is bitch about everything. You sit there and complain that there are so many more people you could be dating. Better, nicer people. It's your own damn fault. You're the one who won't kick her out. You're the one who can't seem to let go. Don't complain to me all the time that she's dragging you down. That she's too possessive. Do something about it. But you're not one for confrontation. You'll never do anything about it. But if you don't, I will. And you know that.
Jun 2, 2008
Why the fuck am I still down?
Admittedly, one of my biggest mistakes. I had earnest goals. In the long run it will work out as I planned it. For now...
I need pain meds.
I don't think that aspirin's gonna cut it this time.
"The price of living is dying. The price of pleasure is pain. It's the prize that makes it all worth while."
get online or call (cell) please?
p.s. This made my day. Courtesy of Failblog:
I need pain meds.
I don't think that aspirin's gonna cut it this time.
"The price of living is dying. The price of pleasure is pain. It's the prize that makes it all worth while."
get online or call (cell) please?
p.s. This made my day. Courtesy of Failblog:
Jun 1, 2008
If I had a quote for how I'm feeling right now,
it wouldn't be anything.
I'm not accomplished, adored, adventurous, aggravated, amorous, amused, angry, angsty, animated, annoyed, anxious, apathetic, argumentative, aroused, artistic, ashamed, awake, betrayed, bitchy, blah, blank, blessed, blissful, blustery, bored, bouncy, breezy, bullied, bummed, busy, calm, cantankerous, catalyzed, cheerful, chill, chipper, cold, complacent, confident, confused, contemplative, content, cooky/wacky, cranky, crappy, crazy, creative, crunk, crushed, cultured, curious, cynical, depressed, determined, devious, dirty, disappointed, discontent, disgusted, distractable, distraught, distressed, ditzy, dorky, drained, drunk, eccentric, ecstatic, electric, embarrassed, energetic, enlightened, enraged, enthralled, envious, evil, exanimate, excited, exhausted, exotic, fabulous, fascinated, fermented, flirty, focused, forgotten, frisky, froggy, frustrated, full, gallant, geeky, giddy, giggly, gloomy, good, grateful, groggy, grumpy, guilty, handsome, happy, high, hopeful, horny, hot, hungover, hungry, hyper, imaginative, impatient, impervious, implacable, impressed, indescribable, indifferent, indignant, infuriated, inquisitive, inspired, insubordinate, intense, intimidated, irate, irritated, jealous, jedi, jolly, jubilant, knighted, lazy, lethargic, listless, lonely, loved (I take that back), luminous, mad, melancholy, mellow, mischievous, miserable, moody, morose, naughty, nauseated, neglected, nerdy, nervous, ninja, nostalgic, numb, obsequious, okay, optimistic, overstimulated, peaceful, peeved, pensive, pessimistic, pirate, pissed off, pissy, played, pleased, pretty, productive, pugnacious, pure, quiet, quixotic, rebellious, recumbent, refreshed, rejected, rejuvenated, relaxed, relieved, restless, rockin, romantic, rushed, sad, sassy, satisfied, savage, scared, selective, shocked, sick, silly, sleepy, smart, smitten, sneaky, sneezy, sore, stalked, stoked, stressed, strong, surprised, sweaty, sympathetic, talkative, tested, thankful, thirsty, thoughtful tired, touched, triumphant, uncomfortable, understimulated, used, validated, vehement, vexed, vibrant, virgin, vital, voluminous, wanted, warm weird, worked, worried.
And yes, I typed each and EVERY single myspace mood. You can go and check yourself. I'm done for the night.
I might not be in school tomorrow. I have a feeling that Carl didn't just have allergies.
I'm not accomplished, adored, adventurous, aggravated, amorous, amused, angry, angsty, animated, annoyed, anxious, apathetic, argumentative, aroused, artistic, ashamed, awake, betrayed, bitchy, blah, blank, blessed, blissful, blustery, bored, bouncy, breezy, bullied, bummed, busy, calm, cantankerous, catalyzed, cheerful, chill, chipper, cold, complacent, confident, confused, contemplative, content, cooky/wacky, cranky, crappy, crazy, creative, crunk, crushed, cultured, curious, cynical, depressed, determined, devious, dirty, disappointed, discontent, disgusted, distractable, distraught, distressed, ditzy, dorky, drained, drunk, eccentric, ecstatic, electric, embarrassed, energetic, enlightened, enraged, enthralled, envious, evil, exanimate, excited, exhausted, exotic, fabulous, fascinated, fermented, flirty, focused, forgotten, frisky, froggy, frustrated, full, gallant, geeky, giddy, giggly, gloomy, good, grateful, groggy, grumpy, guilty, handsome, happy, high, hopeful, horny, hot, hungover, hungry, hyper, imaginative, impatient, impervious, implacable, impressed, indescribable, indifferent, indignant, infuriated, inquisitive, inspired, insubordinate, intense, intimidated, irate, irritated, jealous, jedi, jolly, jubilant, knighted, lazy, lethargic, listless, lonely, loved (I take that back), luminous, mad, melancholy, mellow, mischievous, miserable, moody, morose, naughty, nauseated, neglected, nerdy, nervous, ninja, nostalgic, numb, obsequious, okay, optimistic, overstimulated, peaceful, peeved, pensive, pessimistic, pirate, pissed off, pissy, played, pleased, pretty, productive, pugnacious, pure, quiet, quixotic, rebellious, recumbent, refreshed, rejected, rejuvenated, relaxed, relieved, restless, rockin, romantic, rushed, sad, sassy, satisfied, savage, scared, selective, shocked, sick, silly, sleepy, smart, smitten, sneaky, sneezy, sore, stalked, stoked, stressed, strong, surprised, sweaty, sympathetic, talkative, tested, thankful, thirsty, thoughtful tired, touched, triumphant, uncomfortable, understimulated, used, validated, vehement, vexed, vibrant, virgin, vital, voluminous, wanted, warm weird, worked, worried.
And yes, I typed each and EVERY single myspace mood. You can go and check yourself. I'm done for the night.
I might not be in school tomorrow. I have a feeling that Carl didn't just have allergies.
but tonight, i'm cleaning out my closet
You know, I thought I would be okay with the fact that I'm not going to see you so much during the summer. I thought I had finally begun to deal with the fact that I can't be with you all the time. But I'm not. Talking to Lizzi today, and realizing how much you're going to be gone, makes me realize I'm not okay with it.
You're gonna be gone for about a week at the end of June/ beginning of July. You're not even going to be here for the spree fireworks. That's a big deal to me! I know you had to sit through the fireworks alone at scouts that one time, but don't ask me to do it please. I'm really wondering if I'm even going to go this year.
And then you're going to pictured rocks in july for a week. And then I'm going to be gone the first week of August. And then you're going to start football training, so I'm not going to see you on certain days of the week.
I think I'll be able to get through not seeing you outside of school until finals are over, but what about during the summer for all the times you're gone?
And things are getting worse with my family. I'm tired of it. And I can't let it go.
I can't just leave it and run.
You're gonna be gone for about a week at the end of June/ beginning of July. You're not even going to be here for the spree fireworks. That's a big deal to me! I know you had to sit through the fireworks alone at scouts that one time, but don't ask me to do it please. I'm really wondering if I'm even going to go this year.
And then you're going to pictured rocks in july for a week. And then I'm going to be gone the first week of August. And then you're going to start football training, so I'm not going to see you on certain days of the week.
I think I'll be able to get through not seeing you outside of school until finals are over, but what about during the summer for all the times you're gone?
And things are getting worse with my family. I'm tired of it. And I can't let it go.
I can't just leave it and run.
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