oh you'll all find out soon enough.
this horrible mess that i've gotten myself into. who'll notice first we wonder?
but what's one week in the grand scheme of things?
everything. that's what.
and i can guarantee it will be a week of pure hell.
i just wish it was over now. i dont think i will be able to stand it.
Jan 30, 2008
Jan 26, 2008
when it all comes down to a sunrise on the east side, will you be there to carry me home
the remains of my wasted youth, this wasted time on you, has left me shaking and waiting for something more
Music heals my soul and tonight i have deaf ears. Not by choice, no, by something greater than me, greater than god, if there is one. But it could never be anything god-like. No, it torments me. Rips my heart and mind and soul into shreds. So broken not even Raphael herself could fix me. The angels have fallen from the sky and their broken bodies pile up around me, keeping me trapped in this place one might call hell on earth.
My heart is pounding in one of those rare moments where adrenaline kicks in for no apparant reason. I can feel it beat through my chest. The throbbing and beating makes my body ache and yearn to stop. It's been so long since i've felt this way. Everything that I had once missed without even knowing it is making a sudden and dramatic re-entrance back into my life. It's almost like a revolution (thanks to history class getting that word stuck on my mind) of my heart and soul, but i'm afraid this one is not peaceful, as much as i wish it to be. I fear that there will be bloodshed (not quite so literally. or depending on the turn of events, quite literally indeed). I fear that the tension that looms over head and sticks in the air is the beginning of this so called revolution, but i havent decided what part i shall play in it. Obviously if i sided with my heart, i would be rebelling against my own mind, it wouldnt be much of a revolution, so much as a concious decision to change. But if i should choose to suppress it, it may possibly spawn the events to come.
I'm so worried about this that i dont think anyone could possibly understand, or even try to, as much as i want someone to relate to about it. I can just see myself rattling off words, that to anyone else would seem random at best, but would describe so clearly in my head the way i feel. I would speak gibberish and yet it would make the most sense out of anything that had ever erupted from my mouth before. I would be trying to teach English to Orangutans, who have not the brain capacity, nor the physical ability to speak it, and to stoop to making whoops and screams and waving my arms around insanely would do me, nor the monkey any good because neither of us would know what the hell I am saying. I suppose that is the best way i can describe to you how it would be to talk to you on this.
But i am just so confused! Just when i feel it has been lost forever, it comes back and tears my life up once again. I really shouldnt say once again. This really is the first time, but it is the second coming, if that makes any sense to any of you. I waited so long, oh so long, it seemed like forever in what is our ever-lengthening life spans for this day to come, and now that it finally has, the circumstances are so... unfavorable, to say the least. If it had been any other time, which again i really shouldn't say, rather, if it had been only been sooner, maybe. No, not maybe, it would have been definite, i know that much. It's just all of these ifs... i cant live my life thinking what if? i know, and do, live my life by the rule that nothing should be regretted, nothing beyond my comprehension should be questioned, but why does it seem that now, in this unfavorable time and place and circumstance do i want to completely disregard the rules to the game?
Music heals my soul and tonight i have deaf ears. Not by choice, no, by something greater than me, greater than god, if there is one. But it could never be anything god-like. No, it torments me. Rips my heart and mind and soul into shreds. So broken not even Raphael herself could fix me. The angels have fallen from the sky and their broken bodies pile up around me, keeping me trapped in this place one might call hell on earth.
My heart is pounding in one of those rare moments where adrenaline kicks in for no apparant reason. I can feel it beat through my chest. The throbbing and beating makes my body ache and yearn to stop. It's been so long since i've felt this way. Everything that I had once missed without even knowing it is making a sudden and dramatic re-entrance back into my life. It's almost like a revolution (thanks to history class getting that word stuck on my mind) of my heart and soul, but i'm afraid this one is not peaceful, as much as i wish it to be. I fear that there will be bloodshed (not quite so literally. or depending on the turn of events, quite literally indeed). I fear that the tension that looms over head and sticks in the air is the beginning of this so called revolution, but i havent decided what part i shall play in it. Obviously if i sided with my heart, i would be rebelling against my own mind, it wouldnt be much of a revolution, so much as a concious decision to change. But if i should choose to suppress it, it may possibly spawn the events to come.
I'm so worried about this that i dont think anyone could possibly understand, or even try to, as much as i want someone to relate to about it. I can just see myself rattling off words, that to anyone else would seem random at best, but would describe so clearly in my head the way i feel. I would speak gibberish and yet it would make the most sense out of anything that had ever erupted from my mouth before. I would be trying to teach English to Orangutans, who have not the brain capacity, nor the physical ability to speak it, and to stoop to making whoops and screams and waving my arms around insanely would do me, nor the monkey any good because neither of us would know what the hell I am saying. I suppose that is the best way i can describe to you how it would be to talk to you on this.
But i am just so confused! Just when i feel it has been lost forever, it comes back and tears my life up once again. I really shouldnt say once again. This really is the first time, but it is the second coming, if that makes any sense to any of you. I waited so long, oh so long, it seemed like forever in what is our ever-lengthening life spans for this day to come, and now that it finally has, the circumstances are so... unfavorable, to say the least. If it had been any other time, which again i really shouldn't say, rather, if it had been only been sooner, maybe. No, not maybe, it would have been definite, i know that much. It's just all of these ifs... i cant live my life thinking what if? i know, and do, live my life by the rule that nothing should be regretted, nothing beyond my comprehension should be questioned, but why does it seem that now, in this unfavorable time and place and circumstance do i want to completely disregard the rules to the game?
Jan 21, 2008
A little voice inside my head said, "don’t look back. you can never look back."
*slacker*
the voice in my head is right
i know its really not that bad, compared to say, sahana or teri, but i havent posted in what? a week? more than that? i dont even know. maybe it was sooner and im just losing my mind.
HAHAH of course i am i have a voice in my head, other than my concience, who apparantly has vacated the premises because i havent heard from it in years. (as me and chelsea and katie and natalie and jon saw the other night) maybe the rent was too high? or maybe the conditions were too poor? who knows. all i know is that ive never had a guilt trip in a LOOOOOOOOOONG time. though in the grand scheme of things, how much do you use your concience anyways? and from my experience with it, i just end up regretting things when i listen to it. maybe that's just me though. because i know plenty of you who trip like guilt is a drug. but if there werent people like you in the world we wouldn't be so far ahead in that important genetic engineering to help make cures for AIDS and cancer from stem cells and all that unethical jazz. we need people like you to hold us back! you guys are so important, you dont even know. this is thanks to all of you god-fearing*, concience bearing, scared to fly, safesiders who still listen to that uptight voice in their head.
(for those of you who seriously didnt catch it that was sarcasm to the extreme)
*i will admit that not all of you are "god-fearing" but in the grand scheme of things most of the people in the world who are afraid to bend and break the rules sometimes are the religious freaks who believe that god will take retribution on us for experimenting and discovering potentially life saving things. which really doesnt make any sense because everyone knows that those hypocrites would be so damn selfish and would love to have a cure for everything so that they can have peace and wellness on earth and all that bullshit. if we'd left things the way "god" had intended them, we'd still be running around half naked hunting animals with pointy sticks.
you know i really dont know where this came from because its like midnight and for some reason im just really pissed off, even though carl was just here an hour and a half ago.
the voice in my head is right
i know its really not that bad, compared to say, sahana or teri, but i havent posted in what? a week? more than that? i dont even know. maybe it was sooner and im just losing my mind.
HAHAH of course i am i have a voice in my head, other than my concience, who apparantly has vacated the premises because i havent heard from it in years. (as me and chelsea and katie and natalie and jon saw the other night) maybe the rent was too high? or maybe the conditions were too poor? who knows. all i know is that ive never had a guilt trip in a LOOOOOOOOOONG time. though in the grand scheme of things, how much do you use your concience anyways? and from my experience with it, i just end up regretting things when i listen to it. maybe that's just me though. because i know plenty of you who trip like guilt is a drug. but if there werent people like you in the world we wouldn't be so far ahead in that important genetic engineering to help make cures for AIDS and cancer from stem cells and all that unethical jazz. we need people like you to hold us back! you guys are so important, you dont even know. this is thanks to all of you god-fearing*, concience bearing, scared to fly, safesiders who still listen to that uptight voice in their head.
(for those of you who seriously didnt catch it that was sarcasm to the extreme)
*i will admit that not all of you are "god-fearing" but in the grand scheme of things most of the people in the world who are afraid to bend and break the rules sometimes are the religious freaks who believe that god will take retribution on us for experimenting and discovering potentially life saving things. which really doesnt make any sense because everyone knows that those hypocrites would be so damn selfish and would love to have a cure for everything so that they can have peace and wellness on earth and all that bullshit. if we'd left things the way "god" had intended them, we'd still be running around half naked hunting animals with pointy sticks.
you know i really dont know where this came from because its like midnight and for some reason im just really pissed off, even though carl was just here an hour and a half ago.
Jan 18, 2008
Hello how are you? Miss you so, it's nice to see ya
SO FUCKING HAPPY ITS QUEER
i had a 50. something in math
and i took the final and got a c on it
and it raised my grade to a 60.1%
which is technically passing
and in biology, i have a c i think after the final
umm... money management i have an e, and im pretty sure i bombed the final, or that i didnt get a high enough grade on it to raise my grade, so im probably not passing that but, whatever
in history, i had a 59. 6 which rounded up to 60% and then i took the final and got 96% on it and Fili was like "see that 60? that grade just makes me want to take you by your shoulders and shake you and slap some sense into you. And then you go and get a 96% on the test and i'm just thinking, 'What's with that?'"
okay and then i dont know what i got on the french final
and i dont know what i got on the english final either but i can pretty much guarantee that i got almost 100% on it because i'm taking english 9 when i should have taken accelerated, so it's all easy shit.
but basically, im probably not failing any classes. so my mom'll be happy at least. i really dont care, but i'm happy because if my mom is happy, then i wont be grounded and i'll get my ipod back, and some other cool shit.
huzzah!
:D
i had a 50. something in math
and i took the final and got a c on it
and it raised my grade to a 60.1%
which is technically passing
and in biology, i have a c i think after the final
umm... money management i have an e, and im pretty sure i bombed the final, or that i didnt get a high enough grade on it to raise my grade, so im probably not passing that but, whatever
in history, i had a 59. 6 which rounded up to 60% and then i took the final and got 96% on it and Fili was like "see that 60? that grade just makes me want to take you by your shoulders and shake you and slap some sense into you. And then you go and get a 96% on the test and i'm just thinking, 'What's with that?'"
okay and then i dont know what i got on the french final
and i dont know what i got on the english final either but i can pretty much guarantee that i got almost 100% on it because i'm taking english 9 when i should have taken accelerated, so it's all easy shit.
but basically, im probably not failing any classes. so my mom'll be happy at least. i really dont care, but i'm happy because if my mom is happy, then i wont be grounded and i'll get my ipod back, and some other cool shit.
huzzah!
:D
Jan 14, 2008
this blood on my hands is something i cannot forget
so, i had an AMAZING weekend and because of it, i'm going to do one of those word lists to tell you about it
phone
call
shower
first
dry
clothes
find
money
meet
at
4:00
no
sweeney
todd
watch
VEGGIETALES!!!!!!!
pirates
who
dont
do
anything
do
x-rated
things
in
a
pg
movie
xD
xD
xD
jacket
around
my
pants
xD
it's
cold
wearing
his
jacket
go
home
goodbye
help
my
dad
get
burgerking
sleep
wake
go
to
mall
spend $15
get
new
bag
and
wallet
and
take
action
tour
compilation
from
last
year
with
2
cd's
and
a
dvd
listen
to
it
all
night
and
morning
before
school
i think my weekend was fantastic as far as weekends recently have been. and frankly, i dont think i could have had a better one under these circumstances.
i think the movie was my favorite part. or maybe the things we did in the movie...
but im really really really glad i bought the TA tour cd. i'm pretty much in love with it
Jan 10, 2008
Suffocation, no breathing
have you ever noticed that you stop breathing for extended periods of time?
every one knows that occasionally they don't blink for a while, but how many people just forget to breathe?
i did that in the car on the way here. The heat was on blowing onto my face, and je ne sais pas ce qui, mais i just couldn't breathe. which isn't completely true, i could breathe, if i wanted to, it's just that it was uncomfortable to. like breathing was just an inconveniance. i wouldnt have even noticed if my mom hadn't said anything. And when she did, i didn't believe her, because how would it sound if someone told you that you just weren't breathing? It was only after that whence i inhaled for about the first time in 3 minutes that i realized that she was right. I dont even know why in the world i would stop breathing. It's not something that you subconciously do. which you are now probably trying to make sense in your head, but it's true.
subconciously you breathe. you don't think about it, it just happens. you just do it. but in order to stop breathing, you must make a concious effort to stop. and if you think i'm wrong, try to remember everytime you've ever held your breath. i guarantee you that you had to think about doing it.
so, obviously i made a concious thought to stop breathing, i can understand that much. but what i don't get is why?
Pourquoi est la vie si inexplicable?
every one knows that occasionally they don't blink for a while, but how many people just forget to breathe?
i did that in the car on the way here. The heat was on blowing onto my face, and je ne sais pas ce qui, mais i just couldn't breathe. which isn't completely true, i could breathe, if i wanted to, it's just that it was uncomfortable to. like breathing was just an inconveniance. i wouldnt have even noticed if my mom hadn't said anything. And when she did, i didn't believe her, because how would it sound if someone told you that you just weren't breathing? It was only after that whence i inhaled for about the first time in 3 minutes that i realized that she was right. I dont even know why in the world i would stop breathing. It's not something that you subconciously do. which you are now probably trying to make sense in your head, but it's true.
subconciously you breathe. you don't think about it, it just happens. you just do it. but in order to stop breathing, you must make a concious effort to stop. and if you think i'm wrong, try to remember everytime you've ever held your breath. i guarantee you that you had to think about doing it.
so, obviously i made a concious thought to stop breathing, i can understand that much. but what i don't get is why?
Pourquoi est la vie si inexplicable?
Jan 7, 2008
Baby, did you forget to take your meds?
no
im sorry carl, for being so hypocratic
i'm fucked up right now.
but i was right.
it didnt change my thinking, it didnt make me feel better, it just made me feel... empty
where did i go wrong? staying home from school to do homework, and instead of using this second chance to fix the thing that got me in this position in the first place, i get messed up? i'm sorry mom and dad. i'm sorry carl. i'm sorry everyone. i'm such a hopeless case, a lost cause. why do any of you even bother?
Jan 5, 2008
Come on baby, do you think it's good to feel like I'm lying here swimming in memories?
I fear god because everything dies
i have a gun in the back of my car
This spasm of good sense
is making my eyes twitch
I've had enough of your consolations
I'm drowning caught in a shit tide
take my face to the inside of love
nothing to eat but fears in the back seat
well I met God he had nothing to say to me
I pray to god
that you're right before my eyes,
bathed in white light,
with halos in your eyes.
Don't wanna waste no more time
time's what we don't have
Everywhere I look someone dies
wonder when it's my turn
xD
so i just got some wonderful things in the mail. late xmas gifts you may call them.
and i just got off the phone with my mom. she was putting stuff from my room away and she found all of my thongs
xD
she's like, "I dont mind if you wear them. I just want to know where you got them, because I certainly didnt buy them for you." so I had to explain the whole dollar store 'ultra thong' thing with katie xD. She was worried that I had gotten them from a friend and that I didnt wash them or anything
xxxxDDD
that grosses me out just thinking about it. not that my friends are like really gross down under, but why in the hell would i accept undewear from them and also NOT wash it?
eww.
and she also found a packet of koolaid that i had been eating for like 4 months and she thought it was drugs because by the time she came across it, it didnt look like koolaid anymore xD
i'm like, "Mom. its like 4 months old. its probably really gross and most definitely not drugs because its colored (its red and i also had some green mixed with it) and why would i take the time to crush up pills and put them in a koolaid packet? (i didnt say this but) i would put them in a plastic bag and sell them for money, duh. and why would i keep them in my room so plain as day where everyone could see it?"
lol. i keep them in a shoebox above my ceiling panels where i also keep all of my money and other valuables.
that reminds me. i had a shitload of gum from when i got my braces off, and i was selling them to my sister for a quarter a piece, and she got mad, so i hid them in my ceiling, where i normally do, and told her that if she could find where i hid them, she could have all of them for free. Needless to say, she didn't find them. But i will give her some props, she spent an hour looking for them.
but the other thing my mom found in my room was my notebook filled with all of my writings and whatnot. she asked me if they were song lyrics to anything, and i'm like "No. That was just me writing down my thoughts." (and yes that does kind of insinuate that i think in rhyme) she told me that they were really good and that I could write song lyrics.
so i dont know if that is a good thing, that my mom likes my writing.
:/
doesnt really matter. because they are not song lyrics and they shall not be.
p.s. fyi, because of the content of this post, the writing above my actual post-y part was not written by me. those actually are song lyrics. it is actually the rest of the lyrics to the part the title of this post is about. The whole thing is actually kind of the title.
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