If I could ever repay you I would, but im hard up for cash and my memory lacks initiative

I am the lie that you adore

its funny how other people always seem to say exactly what you always wish you could
its funny how i desperately wish the words that came out of my mouth were as poetic and meaningful as others'
its funny how i cling to the words that mean the most to me, as if they will magically make things better

do you remember that phrase "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?" of course you do. who doesn't?
i think that this makes more sense "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will hurt forever" and you have to admit its true. There is no amount of healing that you can do to take away the memory of the words that hurt you the most, and yet a broken limb will heal in a few weeks. Thats not really fair now is it?
maybe thats why cutting feels so good? because it only hurts for a little while, as compared to the words that people spit at you.

but i like music too. it seems to me that the words that im so jealous of can take away the pain of whatever was said to me earlier. I have been turning to music loads more than usual. Im probably depressed.

i honestly think that i have SAD
and for those of you who don't know what that is
it basically means that the fall and the winter seriously depress me and stress me out, and then once the sun comes out, everything is better.

so if i get a little bit recluse during these next weeks/months, i just want you to know that its not anyones fault in particular. mostly my own

god I am so fucking broken. It seems that everything that i can think of is wrong with me.

I'm writing this letter and wishing you well, Mama, we all go to hell

well that was really fun
i was all layered up
how many shirts did i have on?
let me count
1. the starry shirt
2. the gray long sleeved
3. that tank top
4. button down
5. carl's hoodie
6. my own zip up hoodie

and
i had on two pairs of pants
granted, one of them was pajama pants
but still

and in like 2 mins all of it was taken off ;p

hey carl, about that last part that happened,
first off, it was more than a little embarrassing :X
and second, do you know why that happened?
because i think that you think it was something else.
but i cant ever be sure with you

still it was funny.

why does it seem that the trip back to my house is so much shorter?
i even almost got lost on the way back and it still seemed way shorter.
if it wasnt for that snow, and i hadnt made footprints, i probably would have gotten lost.
i mean not really lost. i knew where i was and how to get home and all that, its just that i would have had to take the long way out. but its okay.
but walking with those socks, which by the way, i was wearing two pairs of, and you know how i just kind of shove those shoelaces into my shoes and put them on? yeah well walking home like that made my feet hurt really bad. and now i have a blister on my toe. which does not feel so pleasant. but i think its worth it to see you.

other than that, i feel so great right now
i think maybe i just needed to see you again
be with you again
and im sure the fresh air helped too.

i only got four hours of sleep before i came over and yet im so hyper right now. maybe im just really tired. but thats too bad because im having that bawls that jon bought me when we went to 711, so ill be up until at least 8.

it was the funniest thing. everytime i think about bawls now i shall laugh. because jon's friend bowen (not daniel or isaac) bought cherry flavored bawls one time with jon, and they were sitting in the car and bowen said "jon can you take my cherry bawls out of my pants? it feels like it's gonna explode."
or something along those lines. but regardless, it was hilarious when i heard it.
(btw, bowen is gay) (like literally, and not like ethan gay where it changes every few hours) and the whole time he said this, jon was just blank faced (supposedly anyway. i dont know how anyone could not burst out laughing when someone says that to you) i suppose it is possible not to laugh, but there would probably be something along the lines of "WOW" put in its place.

anyways, I had a great time. we should do it again sometime.
for those of you who are reading this and are not carl, dont take that literally
because i know there are some of you who might think it.
dont lie to me because i know you will.
im just telling you before hand, that is not what happened. and not what will happen for a while.
i just hope you understand what im talking about because i know some of you might not get the double meaning of that second sentance. or maybe after reading these last few sentances you will finally get it. in which case the rest of what i was saying will make more sense.

did that confuse you?
because half way through writing that i confused myself.
please try not to be confused.
im rambling again
*slaps face* stop it!
*slaps face again* okay!

goodnight,

er,

goodmorning
whichever you prefer. because technically it is the morning, but its still...
*slaps face yet again* ouch! ...dark.

no matter what you say, no matter what you do, no matter what i'm always right there behind you

right now, i dont know
i just
i need someone
i need carl

i dont know whats wrong
there really isnt anything
i just need a shoulder to cry on
like right now
but im not going to see carl until maybe sunday

i just feel like i'm too full
of emotions i mean
if that makes any sense

its just that i have been crying a lot
way more than usual
ill be watching tv or whatever
and ill hear or see something
and tears will just start streaming down my face
and i really just want to be with someone and cry on their shoulder

im sure you can imagine that i'm crying right now
because i am

The road I walk is paved in gold, to glorify my platinum soul

natalie, you want to know the truth?
all you ever had to do was ask
all any of you ever have to do is ask
its just that simple

from what i read in your blog, this is what i know you want to know:
i drink (socially)
i smoke (when im really upset)
i do drugs (mostly just marijuana, and only socially)
i cut myself (more than i'd like to admit, and i realize now that its probably not going to stop anytime soon, but of course you already knew that)
im a virgin (i dont plan on staying one for long)
is there anything else that you would like to know?
because id be glad to answer your questions.
just maybe not all of them here.

poetic... some might call it....others.... slightly tragic, almost sad.... but isnt everything?

im not sure this is what i want
i know it is
i am sure it is
but is it what i need
no
there is no doubt
i need this
i want this
i cant live without this
or can i
the world seems so confusing
your the only thing thats right
they tell me it gets better
the pain
or lackthereof
but the words have more meaning
coming from your mouth
they seem...
sweeter
sickly sweet
there is no such thing as too much
but i cant have anymore
its making me sick
this poison i call you
this poison i call love
this poison makes me feel
this poison makes me numb
i want more
i cant get enough
am i dying
i dont think so
but the pain is incredible
i cant feel myself anymore
but do i want to
isnt this numbing...
what i wanted to get away from
no
its inevitable
life is one giant anesthetic
the people in it
little razor blades
they cut you open
you dont notice
you dont feel it
your bleeding everywhere
but you cant feel it
is it too late
yes
they cant stitch you up
they cant make you better
do you want to get better
no
do you need to
no
this is what you want
this is what you need
you know it now
you cant live now
but you can
you will
somehow
you try
all you ever did was
try
all you ever do is
try
cant they see that
trying
is all you have left
cant they see that
lying
is all you have left
cant they see that
dying
is all you have left
and you are leaving
you have left

Let's burn these buildings down, straight into the ground, with our dirty looks and glances

You said you wanted me to talk more about my feelings, but what is there to say?

I'm not the kind of person who expresses their feelings easily, but you know that i'm open with you.

and if you wanted to know about how im feeling, remember that all you really have to do is ask. I just dont know why you would think that i would avoid it like that and i dont understand why your so surprised that it would be this easy.

18 minutes is much too generous for a girl with a crippled smile

I just want to fucking punch my mom in the face.

I was arguing with her about why I argue with her (which sounds stupid but she's just so fucking dumb and just doesnt get it)
she was saying that i just like to get the last word and that i just like to argue, which any of you know is not true, and i was trying to tell her that i argue with her because shes always wrong and im right and she wont accept it. I kept telling her that if I was going to push all these lies onto her that she would argue with me, and that's exactly why i do it. BECAUSE SHE"S SO FUCKING DUMB and always wrong.
She kept telling me that i dont always need to argue, even if she is wrong, and i kept telling her that its not possible because it pisses me off. And then she was like well maybe you just need to calm down some.
So i told her that she would probably rather have me let it out by arguing rather than keep it pent up inside until i have to let it out some other way.
and then, this is what drove me over the edge:

she looks at me with the biggest smirk on her face. Her smug little fucking face and she says."Like cutting yourself?"
then she just keeps smiling at me.

i just about lost it. she always has to throw that into it. like i dont feel bad about cutting myself and it makes me angry that she doesnt have any faith in my control over myself.

so i told her to wipe that smug look off of her face and then i got up and went down stairs and just bawled my eyes out on my bed because i was so mad.

but that was like on tuesday. I still want to tear her head off but im more calm now.

and today carl came over. but of course my dad had to fuck around forever when he picked us up. Oh we have to go to the bank and then burger king and then drop julie and linders off and while we're home let me drop this and this and this off and pick up this and do this and so when i was supposed to be at carls at 6:30 i didnt get there until about 10 to 7. and i was just so frustrated. im always so frustrated and dissappointed in my dad and myself and i just started crying. and then carl was all worried, but by the time we were out of the car and i could actually say something, i was just laughing, because thats what i do when i, or someone else is sad. I know its fucked up.

so we went straight into my bedroom and of course my dad is like "andrea no making out and stuff" which of course is the first thing we did. which is funny cuz my dad is always worried about the things that i do with him, but he never ever checks in on me or tells me that we arent allowed in my room or anything. so its pretty pointless just to say no. because of course thats the first thing that we are gonna do.

anyways, some time elapsed and i changed into my whore pants and then we had some fun. and then before we had to leave i took my bra off inside my shirt. and then i stole his hoodie and took my shirt off and then put the hoodie on. and then we took him home and actually got him home on time for once.

so here i am writing this at quarter after 10 wearing just a hoodie and some underpants, debating on whether or not im gonna go to school tomorrow.

but i had an epiphane earlier this week
if im going to fuck carl, which really isnt so much of an "if", more like a "when", i cant really do it at my house, or his, and there really isnt anywhere else for us to go, so i figure, that we would skip school, and then get a ride from someone (because as you know my mom said that as long as i have a ride to go places, its okay to skip school) then we could come back here and do it.
and i told this to carl, and apparantly joe owes him for something, so he could give us a ride, so i am realizing that this is whole plan is actually possible.

but who knows how this shall all turn out.

and you know what?
i really love carl. way more than words could say.